12.31.09 – Life in the Bubble

I did, luckily, survive the night, and the fumes seem to have finally gone down. The neighbor, who I thought was doing painting in his side of the basement, was not. In fact, he also got sick from the fumes. He mentioned that one of the parking lots across the street had its lines painted yesterday, but that seems somewhat unlikely to be the cause. It is now a very strange mystery.

While I am sorry that I thought so many bad thoughts about my neighbor last night and that he also became ill, I’m somewhat relieved I wasn’t the only one. So much of the time I’m always the “sensitive one,” who always has reactions when no one else does. This causes me to often receive snide comments about me being the girl in the bubble. The ironic part of that is my homeopath has recommended I imagine myself in a safe bubble when such events like this take place, and that vacuum hoses are sucking up all the bad stuff. Ah, life…

12.30.09 – Watching the Clock

Mostly these days I spend my time always running behind schedule and being late, dreading looking at the clock. This evening it was a slightly different story. I walked in to my apartment and was greeted by noxious chemical fumes. My guess is one of my neighbors (I live in an old building converted into three units with connecting ductwork) was painting or doing something that my system did not like. Within ten minutes my lips began to swell a bit. Fortunately I had plans for most of the evening, but did, for once this month, take my time getting things done and even took care of errands in order to delay my return home.

The fumes are still present, even with fans and air cleaner units going. If there is no post tomorrow, you will know why.

12.29.09 – I Wish I May, I Wish I Might…

Things I’m wishing for in the coming year.

12.28.09 – Photographic Memory

Now that Christmas is over, the holiday music and movies seem to have faded away. I actually couldn’t get that interested in the old holiday movies this year, perhaps having watched them far too many times. I did watch Elf on Christmas, which has become a guilty pleasure, much to some of my friends’ horror. For a while I wasn’t sure what it was about the movie that delighted me so much. Then I realized what it was.

I don’t have any of my childhood photos and as it would take communicating with my family to get them, it seems doubtful I will ever see them again. I do remember them, especially a photo of myself at my oldest sister’s wedding. I was the unplanned mid-life child and my siblings were teenagers when I was born. This caused me to be a toddler at her wedding. I have no memory of the event itself, but was told I thought the whole day was for me, as any child would. I don’t think I’ve ever experienced the amount of delight as an adult that that young child had in that moment the shutter snapped. It’s the same sense of delight and feeling of wonder at the world that comes across in the film Elf, and a feeling I wish I could experience again.

12.27.09 – Life in the Balance

I used to be comfortably numb. I wasn’t particularly concerned when my ears closed up and I could barely hear people for about a year and half, believing what my allergist said, that I needed to move to a drier climate. When I quit the job I hated, my ears suddenly opened, making me wonder if a great deal of the allergic symptoms I’d had over the years really were allergies or just my body trying to either protect me (by reducing the volume of the awfulness around me) or get my attention.

I’m not numb any more, but at times I wish I still was. The slightest thing can send my body out of balance, although I have learned to roll with this far more than at the beginning.

As I uploaded yesterday’s video clip on the flowering tea, I felt such potentially negative sensations. I went into my tried and true method of dealing with such situations – I took my phone, got in bed, listened to music, and watched the clock, believing that if I wasn’t worse or dead within a half hour, I’d probably be okay. And I was, although I was wide awake at 2:30 in the morning, which rarely happens to me anymore. I think it may have been the caffeine, as I always forget that green tea does have caffeine. Drinking six cups of green tea after 4:00 p.m. was really, really stupid.

As a youth I drank an obscene amount of caffeinated soft drinks, which then turned into day-long drinks of caffeinated coffee at the office in my 20s and 30s. Now I can have two cups of caffeinated coffee in the morning, but am in trouble if I have more, especially late in the day. It’s as though the body has had its fill, yet I still forget this.

Eventually I’m sure I’ll get the hang of keeping things in balance, or at least I hope I do.

12.26.09 – Flowering Tea

I have a lot of allergies – some real, some possibly more imagined. The problem is I have had severe reactions to foods, drugs, paints, and other environmental things, so sometimes it is hard to shake the fear of trying something new. I was given this green tea bud today, which looked utterly beautiful, but I was afraid to drink it even though I have had no problems with green tea. After staring at it for a while, I took a sip, then waited about a half an hour to have more, just in case something were to happen. Three containers later, or the equivalent of six cups, I am still alive and without any rashes or any worse the wear, and since the magazine at my gym claimed that people who drank at least three cups of green tea a day lost an additional five pounds a month, perhaps all those calories from the cookies I’ve been eating this week will be melting away as I type this. Of course, my assumption is that people who drink at least three cups of green tea a day probably have a much healthier diet than I do.

Still, it was quite a wonder to drink something coming from such a beautiful flower. It reminded me that as a child I once ate some of the flowers growing in our backyard. I can’t remember what they were, but I recall that they were fuchsia, and I’m sure I must have thought that they were candy of some kind. My mother was alarmed, but was told they were harmless to me. Obviously, they were. It makes me wonder if I sensed the flowers contained something I needed or if I was just drawn to the beauty.

12.25.09 – Transformation

I watched the movie, Julie and Julia today. I read the book around the time it came out and had followed Julie Powell’s blog story, yet I seemed to forget about it as I began my own blog.

In many ways I was reminded how similar our stories are. She was turning 30, frustrated with her life and career, and needed something to focus her creative talents on on a daily basis. While I wasn’t consciously thinking of my impending birthday in September when I started the blog, it surely was in the back of my mind, where I kept pushing it. (I turned the next momentous birthday, although I still can’t say it out loud or see it in print. I’ve decided I will be 38 perpetually. It’s not too old, not too young, and as a number of people have thought me much younger, I hope to be able to claim that age for some time.) I also needed a daily regimen for my art before the depression I was sinking into about the state of my life took hold.

What I thought would just be a good exercise to keep the creative muscles in shape, has been so much more than that. I seemed incapable of just throwing up video clips without commenting on them or writing about their significance to me, and through that I think I’m becoming more of who I always was down deep, but who I had kept under lock and key. These last few months have been quite transformative and I look forward to the next months ahead.

Today I will share with you more of the quite humorous Gingerbread Project (you may read some of the previous blog entries to learn more about this), which served as an interesting experiment, as well as a wonderful way to make me forget about the birthday that I really wasn’t looking forward to. It’s not that the actual number itself is so awful, but I truly had hoped I’d be living a much more grand and exciting life at this time in my life. On the other hand, I think back to the state of things for me several years ago, and I am in such a better place and do see hope in site, so that is a great comfort. Also, spending the weekend with a friend, both laughing and cursing, engrossed in a project, is not a bad way to spend your birthday and sums up the best aspects of the holiday season.

There is cursing in the clip, so viewers be advised.

12.24.09 – It’s Finally Here…

Happy Holidays!

12.23.09 – The Best Part of the Holidays

This time of year is often a good reminder to visit with friends.

My thanks to Howard and the ever-enchanting, Max.

12.22.09 – It’s Almost Here…

No need to say more, except if you’re in the Cincinnati area, check out the disco tree at Whatever Works Wellness Center on Montgomery Road, near Kenwood.

12.21.09 – Rinsing it All Away

To me the best part of having a blog is getting a lot of junk out of my system that I would otherwise hold in until I burst. I feel that I breathe better after I’ve made a post, as though the real me is finally getting out and able to take on air. The downside is that sometimes your friends can get a bit overly concerned. It’s nice to know that they care, especially in this hectic season where it’s easy to feel overwhelmed and lost in the shuffle. I think it’s important to remember that we all get down and depressed at times, but expressing those feelings help get them out of your system.

12.20.09 – Peace at Last

We’ve still been having flurries today and potential snow later tonight. I would prefer no snow for Christmas, but I’m in the minority. Still, the nice part of the precarious weather is that it tends to keep at least some of the people home, making it so much quieter.

12.19.09 – Respite

We have been under a winter weather advisory today, which luckily doesn’t appear to have generated much snow (that I am thankful for), and I decided to take advantage of the circumstances by giving myself a much needed break. I slept in, didn’t go to tai chi, didn’t do laundry, or much else. I did take care of my holiday cards, but that’s about it, except for watching British crime drama on DVD.

I think in this season, when the walls feel like they’re closing in on us and there is just too much to do and too much craziness around us, we would all be better off taking a short break to recharge and prepare ourselves for the next round.

12.18.09 – Wanting the World to Go Away

I’m now actually looking forward to Christmas because pretty much everything will be closed and whether I want to or not, I’ll be able to take a break and enjoy silence.

12.17.09 – Cycle of Blue

I hate this time of year, especially as I get older. It’s not just all the craziness of the stores and the holiday mayhem, but I think the combination of my birthday, which is a time of introspection, and the end of the year. It’s just too much of a weight of feeling like I haven’t accomplished anything and that I might not ever get to where I want to be. Sometimes it’s just too much. Then it eases off or I get too busy to notice, and then it starts up again in a never-ending cycle.

12.16.09 – I Found My Christmas Spirit…

…and it is bleak. After a day running non-Christmas errands that unfortunately placed me in the path of holiday craziness, I think I now hate everyone and would like to just stay under my covers until the beginning of the new year.

12.15.09 – Where is my Christmas Spirit?

Supposedly, when I was child, I begged my mother to keep our fake Christmas tree (what would you expect in Florida) up for a whole year. I think it had more to do with my not understanding my parents’ separation than my love of Christmas. Still, I ended up repeating that event later in life.

About a year after I left my full-time career to get back to a better path for me, I bought my first tree as an adult. I had thought about it over the years, but it always seemed like such a hassle. I felt a strange force pushing me to get the tree and it was indeed a hassle, causing me to not want to be bothered to take it down and put it back up again. It ended up standing in my living room for nearly three years until I had to move it in order to create a path for the cable person to do work on my line inside.

The tree, the lights, and all the ornaments have sat in my basement since then. I toyed with the idea of putting it back up again this year, but after looking at it in my kitchen for a few hours, I don’t think I can do it, and, instead think it will be going to Goodwill tomorrow. Perhaps you can burn yourself out on Christmas.

12.14.09 – Up, Up, and Away

I just wish I could get more bounce…

12.13.09 – Rings of Age

I was at a musical today at a local university, watching a friend’s daughter perform. Waiting after the show to congratulate her, I began observing the other students and listening in to their conversations. They all seemed so fresh and unjaded, and the most they seemed to have to worry about this week was a final exam or two. I found it amusing, but I wasn’t envious. As much as getting older bothers me, and this time year -- near year’s end -- especially depresses me, I wouldn’t want to be them. Somehow the motto if I knew then what I know now wouldn’t help me because I think knowing how unimportant what I thought was so important might cause me to do things differently. Yes, I probably would make better decisions and wouldn’t have had nearly the amount of heartache, but I don’t think I would have learned as much. It’s as though you need the pain of real experience to get to the next stage of your life.

12.12.09 – Seemingly Insurmountable

Looking from below, so many things seem so insurmountable, although, as I just discovered, you really don’t need that tall of a ladder to reach what you’re after.

Of course, having a friend three inches taller than you with a ladder helps.

12.11.09 – Phantom Limb

It’s amazing how we can become so used to the strangest things that we almost still think it’s there when it’s gone. Something I really didn’t enjoy or have a great desire to have in my home other than for a project, I feel a certain sadness now that it’s gone. I keep walking past where it used to be and feel something’s missing.

12.10.09 – Being Crushed

Why is there never a happy medium? It seems I’m either too busy or not busy enough. You would think the body could store up some of that extra energy from your down time, but that doesn’t happen either, unfortunately.

12.9.09 – From Great Heights

A human resource person told me years ago that I was rare in that I could see both the big picture and the little details necessary to get things done. This may be the case in the workplace, but rarely does this happen in my off-duty life. It’s typically not until years later, basically from a great distance, that I can see events and relationships clearly. It would so nice if we could get that kind of perspective, at least for a few seconds, occasionally in our life before the damage is done.

12.8.09 – Futuristic Hair

When I was growing up, hair salons in cartoons and sci-fi shows were always entertaining and fairly exciting. In The Flintstones prehistoric animals would wash your hair using their snouts and in The Jetsons and other sci-fi shows machines would come down over your head and quickly change the color and style. This we still don’t have, along with flying cars.

Instead, like most women who alter their hair (probably 99% of the female population, or so it seems to me), I have to spend hours, and I mean HOURS, to get the look that I want. This is probably why I put off getting my hair done until it starts looking really really bad.

While I enjoy gossiping and hearing about other people’s lives while I wait at the salon, I would gladly accept the quick-change hair styler machine over a flying car any day.

My thanks to Bonnie Wynn of A Head of the Times for not only making me look lovely, but also serving as Director of Photography today. Today’s film is a bit longer, but don’t worry, it’s just the highlights.

12.7.09 – Color

I think about, and notice, color a lot. I go through periods where I only want to wear or look at certain colors. Sometimes this falls within what advertisers decide is the color or color combination of the moment, other times it doesn’t. I bought this glass piece at GlassWorks in Louisville right around the time I was making a very big, and potentially very stupid, career decision. I was drawn to its color more than the design.

These last few months I’ve been seeing this same color combination in clothes, fancy file folders, and earrings, and have been equally drawn to them. I’m sure there is some reason for this, which I just haven’t figured out yet. My hope is that I’m beginning another path that may be just as scary, but just as important.

12.6.09 – Sweet Smell of Success

No matter how good it seems, it’s a slippery slope.

12.5.09 – Helpful Tips to Get Through the Holidays

As the season comes down upon us, it’s nice to have some help to get us through this tough time.

This piece showed at u-turn art space in the Brighton neighborhood of Cincinnati at their Gingerbread exhibition this evening. I thought I would share this with those outside the viewing area or too afraid to enter the inner city of Cincinnati.

Enjoy!

12.4.09 – All Good Things Must Come to an End

I always love having fresh flowers around, especially yellow and orange ones. As much as I don’t enjoy my own aging, I do like watching the process they go through from vibrant to wilted. In fact, they almost seem more beautiful the more wilted and withered they become.

12.3.09 – Need to Scream

Have you ever had one of those days where all you wanted to do from start to finish was just scream?

If you have pets, turn down the volume before starting the movie.

12.2.09 – Going Back in Time

While I didn’t mind my recent birthday, I haven’t quite come to terms with the number I now have. I’ve either hedged around as people have asked how old I am or lied, although I didn’t realize it at the time. Last year I felt I deserved a do-over and this year seems to be worthy of one as well, which has made me slightly confused. I only seem to feel older when the weather changes, and that’s more due to my car accidents over this past year and a half than aging.

What also causes me pains involving my age is being around men. I made a number of really bad choices in the past – not bad men, but bad for me. Due to this and a number of transitions going on in my life, I decided to take myself off the market for a while. I feel more strong and focused now, and less likely to make the same mistakes, so have begun to reactivate my senses. The whole “cougar” concept (older woman-younger man) seemed amusing, as I kept meeting younger men, but I can’t imagine dating someone who wasn’t born when the first Star Wars movie came out.

It would be so much easier if we could experience life like Benjamin Button – starting old and then getting younger and younger.

12.1.09 – Tidal Wave

It’s easy to get overwhelmed. Earlier this year I had too much free time, which caused me to begin a CSI: Miami & NY addiction that has now come to a close. Instead, this last month I’ve felt like I was drowning at times. That too now seems to be wrapping up, or so I hope.

11.30.09 – Day Job

Like most artists I know, I have a day job. For the most part it works well, as it provides me with a very flexible schedule, a computer with internet at home, and I don’t have to interact with many people – a big plus at times. I do have to deal with customers via email and occasionally the phone, which mostly works well, but there are always a few people who just defy reason. And yes, the typo was in this person's email message (three phone messages and four emails from the same person about the same issue, what a way to start a Monday.)

11.29.09 – Is it Christmas Yet?

It gets harder and harder each year for me to get even remotely interested in Christmas. With the crowds in the stores and the insanity that creates, I really just want to wake up and have it be New Year’s Day.

11.28.09 – Not Home for the Holidays

I came from a highly dysfunctional family, which is the norm these days, so holidays are not my favorite time of year. I haven’t been to my parents’ home since 1990 and I think I am the better for it. Most people, I’m sure won’t understand that, which is why I usually duck around when people ask me where I’m spending the holidays or if I’m going home. I’m not sure if it’s the blog or other things in my life or no longer being in a job where I feel I always have to present a very different image than who I really am, but I can’t seem to bother to lie that much anymore. A number of people around me have been a bit shocked by my directness and openness of late. I think it’s a good change and I’m starting to care less and less what others think in regards to how I live my life, which is a very good thing.

This year I was invited by a friend I was reacquainted with on Facebook, ironically, for Thanksgiving. I had a wonderful time and was welcomed by all her friends. Of course this makes me think of what I “missed out” on by not being around my family. I think I made the right choice.

11.27.09 – Is it Art or Just Candy?

Currently I have a lot of leftover candy from my gingerbread project (see my 11.22.09 blog entry to read all about that fun-filled experience), which made think of the artist, Felix Gonzalez-Torres. When I was in graduate school, the curator of contemporary art from the local art museum taught one of my art history courses. She managed to arrange visits to two local collectors’ homes, which allowed us to see some very famous pieces of art in very private domains. One home was filled with contemporary art, which caused a number of the students to raise their eyebrows repeatedly. One such piece was Felix Gonzalez-Torres’ mound of candy. I forget the exact name of the piece, but it was a mound of a specific brand of candy and a specific weight. Most of us, me included, were a bit perplexed at this piece, and bordering on not believing it to be real art. Then an interesting thing happened, the owner asked us to each take a piece of candy (many of Gonzalez-Torres’ pieces offer such tokens to the viewer and are replenished by either the owner or exhibitor). No one moved toward the mound. All the looks of skepticism were gone and a look of shock took its place. Even though many of us didn’t view this artwork as “real art” we couldn’t fathom disrupting or altering the piece. It took the owner and the curator to each take a piece of candy before the rest of us would slowly go over to the mound and delicately take a piece ourselves.

11.26.09 – First Cheers of the Day

I live near the riverfront, which, besides having the throngs of tourists and suburbanites who forget about one-way streets, brings a number of marathons pretty much underneath my bedroom window. Today was the Thanksgiving Day marathon. When I first moved to this area, I was woken up that day to cheers and whistles and encouraging voices. It took me a few moments to realize what was going on. Over the years I’ve gotten used to it like fireworks and ballgame traffic, but at times I do see both its humor and delight in hearing applause and cheers first thing in the morning.

11.25.09 – Mystery Pouch

On Monday I attended a local fundraising event and was given a gift bag. Upon looking through it at home it had the typical women's gift bag items -- perfume sample, cosmetics bag, gift certificates, and a tote bag with the unfortunate signature of a celebrity “designer,” but it also had something else. It had two plastic pillow-like pouches, with a department store's name and logo across it, filled with yellow liquid and what looked like a flattened button. These objects seemed quite odd to me, as I couldn't figure out what they were. There were no instructions on the pouch or in the gift bag. I thought about taking them in to the store and asking if someone could tell me their use, but didn't want to see completely stupid. It seemed possible that you might place them in the freezer and then put them on your eyes, but mostly, due to the urine color, they made me think of Andres Serrano photographs.

I decided to take one with me to lunch with a friend, thinking perhaps he could figure it out, but he was just as perplexed. When our waitress at Sitwell's stopped by, he decided to ask her and she knew exactly what it was. It turns out the flattened button when bent activates the pouch and it hardens, but instead of becoming cold, it heats up. She had used such devices, she said, while in high school band.

We continued to touch the hot pouch in amazement during lunch. It did go down to room temperature a few hours later, but was still rock hard. It's supposed to go back to its liquid state, the waitress said, after a period and then you can start the whole process again, but my friend, who I let have the one pouch, said it is still solid as a rock a day later.

This time of year it does make sense for such a device, as it's a good hand warmer, but I also realized it would be a great mugger deterrent. I have always liked things that have multiple uses. I just wish they had chosen a different color. I love the color yellow, but not as a liquid in a pouch.

I may have to go back to Sitwell’s and find that helpful waitress to figure out how to get it back to its original state.

11.24.09 – Zhivago

It’s now beginning to set in that winter is here, or nearly here. I’m going to have to get out my winter coat, which hopefully I can still fit in. Along with the typical winter images that come to mind when I think about this season, I get snippets of Dr. Zhivago. I have no idea why. I’m ashamed to say, I don’t even think I have seen the movie in its entirety. Something about those romantic snowy scenes with Omar Sharif at his most dashing and Julie Christie wearing that black shawl, makes winter seem almost bearable.

11.23.09 – Domes

Years ago I worked in a historic building that had a magnificent dome. I loved walking in and then looking up at it, almost being able to forget how much I hated the administration and many of my fellow co-workers. I still love staring up at domes in older buildings, temporarily transporting myself to another world.

This dome is not where I used to work, but The Carnegie Visual and Performing Arts Center in Covington, Kentucky. It is definitely worth visiting.

11.22.09 – No Assembly Required

I can say I did have a lovely, if a bit strange, birthday and deeply appreciate the kind birthday wishes I’ve received. I’m working on a film project that involves the use of gingerbread. I am not a domestic goddess, but thankfully my friend, Judith, who is far more Martha Stewart-like than me, came up for my birthday and helped me put together a gingerbread house. This ended up being far more challenging than either of us realized.

I have always liked kits and have bought many over the years, fantasizing about being the kind of person who could do string art, build a doll’s house, or even make a paper camera. The trouble is that I buy them and then put them aside for later, and never get to them, so I didn’t quite realize that when a package says that it includes everything and that it’s easy to assemble, it’s not really true.

We began by my friend whittling down the pieces to make them even. Since my tai chi instructor is always telling me I’m not straight, it seemed best for her to do this. Then came the royal icing. I can give you a tip if you are thinking about making a gingerbread house – don’t use royal icing. I have no video footage of this process because the mix went everywhere and I very quickly decided to move the camera to safety. After umpteen more tablespoons of water than the mix stated we use and the two of us taking turns with the hand mixer, it finally came together enough to use and it did miraculously (so far) hold the house together. Later that night we went online and searched and found a link from a woman, who after years of trouble building these houses, started using a glue gun and caulk instead of the icing. Who knew? I can tell you I would have no interest in eating this gingerbread house, so I wish I had used more user-friendly products. I am still picking up little balls of confectioners sugar everywhere.

We then had to leave the house to set for 2-3 hours, which, as it was late in the evening, we decided to leave the decorating to morning. My friend is an early riser, so she went ahead and added the layer of icing to coat the roof and left me to decorate after I became conscious. Dipping the candies in the bowl of icing instead of using the pastry bag is a far easier process. Judith cut the candies to make the wreath, as I couldn’t keep the pieces unstuck to my finger, and I was sick of the whole thing by then. I’m hoping the house stays together long enough for the film. Then it will be ritualistically mutilated.

I thought I’d share a little of this fun-filled birthday with you by showing the finished product with some of the censored audio.

Please note there are snips of profanity, which is not surprising.

11.21.09 – Birthday Wish

Today is my birthday. I’ve been a bit in denial about it, as most people get once you leave your 20s. I was hoping if I stayed busy enough I’d have no time to be depressed. Birthdays tend to remind me that I’m another year older and still not where I want to be in life. Someone told me a while back that she gave each year a theme in order to both not get depressed about getting older, but also to give each year a certain focus.

I think this year for me will be the year of being visible.

11.20.09 – Invisible

I keep feeling more and more invisible, both in my work and personal life. When I was growing up I learned that being invisible was the safest thing to be. I suppose part of me still won’t quite let that go, even though it is no longer a viable option for me any more.

11.19.09 – Memory of Days Gone By

It may not be truly winter yet, but it is getting colder, darker, and gloomier, which makes me fantasize about the beautiful blue summer days gone by.

11.18.09 – Queen for a Day

I've been feeling rather invisible lately, which makes me quite testy. It also makes me wish I were a queen, at least for a few moments a day. I wouldn't want all the hassles and headaches, just the overwhelming adoration.

11.17.09 – Circus

It something about the circus that makes the cold, wet, and dreary day melt away.

11.16.09 – The Cost of Modern Medicine

I hate going to the doctor. My body doesn't seem to respond as most doctors' think it should. I'm also currently having to pay for my own insurance, which causes it to really be too expensive to see the doctor as I have to pay both the co-pay and anything extra that's done to me (I've found out the hard way that most physicians claim lab work when nothing is sent to the lab in order to get their expenses covered by insurance policies).

This morning I went for my annual visit to the doctor and had to put off a preventative test because I just couldn't afford it at the moment. It was for something that I have no family history in and have had no problems with, so I felt relatively safe in deferring this test, but did have to deal with the doctor's displeasure and attempts to convince me it needed to be done.

I voted for Obama, hoping he would change things for the better, but I'm not surprised that he and the rest of the spineless politicians not only haven't changed healthcare for the American people for the better, they’re about to make it far more costly for people who already can't afford it.

The short film is an exaggeration of the events, but not by much. I hope for a time when I can focus on my health instead of the cost.

11.15.09 – Switch On for Guidance

Sometimes I wish I did have a religion to fall back on for guidance. Growing up in a fairly distorted Christian household and a church where all I saw was hypocrisy put a rather bad taste in my mouth for all religions. I toyed with the idea of finding some religion in college, but found fault in all of them, and in the end, found it best to rely on my own inner knowing.

Still, it would be nice to flip a switch at times and have someone tell me what I should do.

http://amovieaday.blip.tv

11.14.09 – Having it All

I’m single, never been married, don’t really care if I get married, have no children, and don’t think I want children. I accept that other people are different and may want and need things I don’t. What frustrates me is that everyone assumes that if you are a woman that you want to be married and have children and look at you with pity when they find out you have neither husband nor child. When I was younger I thought I wanted the traditional life, but I really just wanted to hide behind someone else and not have to deal with what I really wanted out of my life and was afraid to seek.

Lots of people love sports and others hate them. We are all different. Having it all doesn’t necessarily mean the same thing to everyone. I think the world will be a better place once we all come to terms with the fact that we don’t all want the same things.
http://amovieaday.blip.tv

11.13.09 – Visualization

Perhaps if I stare long enough I’ll be there instead of here.

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11.12.09 – Urban Explorers

I live near the riverfront, which is a somewhat quaint, but also touristy area. I’m close to expensive homes and condos, but strangely enough, just as close to the projects. It is a very odd sight to see out-of-town suburbanites in open-air horse-drawn carriages looking very fearful at the urban youth wandering by them.

This afternoon I was visiting a gallery in the western edge of the inner-city, in an area that has become a bit of a burgeoning arts area, but also viewed by most as not so safe. I was looking at a friend’s show again, and seeing how much I missed during the first viewing, when I heard that familiar sound (at least to me, especially on weekends) of the horse-drawn carriage. I looked out the window in wonder to see such a vehicle, so very much off what I assumed was the tourist path. It both surprised me, but also gave me hope for this area. If it’s safe enough for out-of-town tourists, than it’s safe enough for the locals.

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11.11.09 – Best Friends

I was a bit ambivalent about the online friend sites and very late came to Facebook, more to potentially promote my cable access show on local artists than to connect with people. At first I wanted to only be "friends" with people I at least knew, most of whom I don't think I could call friends, even though I do like them. If my car had a flat tire, there's only a handful of my "friends" on the list that I would call. I then began getting requests from people I didn't know, but decided to add those that either had some weird connection to me or I liked their work. Now I've even begun sending some requests myself, which I always feel very strange doing even though most have accepted the request.

Just last week I “unfriended” someone. I was in a particularly bad mood, feeling very frustrated, and somewhat powerless in the situation I was in. The idea just came to me that this person really wasn't my "friend" and I didn't want this person on my list. It was fairly quick and anticlimactic, but I did have a momentary sense of triumph. It does bring up the issue that friendship does mean vastly different things to different people.

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11.10.09 – Dream the Impossible Dream

I find it easy to get in moods where I think everything is impossible. A friend of mine likes to quote the queen in Alice in Wonderland who tells Alice she thinks up six impossible things before breakfast.

The trouble is I always find some fault with the impossible thing or start thinking as though I’m making a wish and want to find something absolutely fabulously impossible.

I suppose it does take practice.

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11.9.09 – Silent Screaming

Recently I had a couple of people state that they were surprised that anything could be wrong in my life, as I seemed so together. I had another couple of people tell me that they sense I have a lot of rage that I’m not expressing.

I find it interesting how different people can see totally different things. Perhaps with some people I’m a better actress than I give myself credit for or maybe it’s just that others see through my mask since they’ve worn it too.

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11.8.09 – End of the Weekend

All good things must come to an end – unfortunately.

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11.7.09 – Sign of Faith

I grew up in a religious household in the South, which is probably why I’m agnostic now. The strange thing is I like church buildings and religious artwork.

Is it possible to separate the craft from the craziness?

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11.6.09 – Where to Go Next

Like many people, I feel stuck where I’m at. Someone recently told me you can get stuck anywhere, which I suppose is true, but I can’t imagine I’d think I was stuck if I were in New York City or London. I’ve been thinking more that perhaps I should open up the possibilities for the next move, if for no other reason than not to dismiss something out of hand.

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11.5.09 – Tone of Voice

I find it interesting how my voice changes depending on who I’m speaking to and what capacity I’m in. My voice stays at its somewhat low/person who hasn’t had coffee in the morning yet when I speak with my friends. When I’m working I seem to go on autopilot, which causes my voice to become near sickeningly sweet and high, not quite Marilyn Monroe, but close.

No wonder work always seems to exhaust me regardless of any physical component.

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11.4.09 – Communication Error

In these days where everyone is always connected, it is very frustrating when no matter which form of communication you use there is no response.

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11.3.09 – Dark Passage

If you can just keep moving and get through the dark time there might actually be light at the end of the tunnel.

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11.2.09 – But is Anything On?

I tend to have very mixed feelings about television these days. The majority of my childhood and early adult life was spent consumed with television shows. I constantly think of the time wasted when I could have been reading or making something. Now I find it harder and harder to get interested in shows, watching one episode and then missing the rest of the season. Of course, I do have to say that cable access shows will most certainly be something interesting and more unique than the typical network fare.

Now that I have a television show of my own that I create, I’m hopeful there will be people interested enough to watch, but at the same time I think that they should be spending their time in more productive ways.

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11.1.09 – Scarred History

I was at the gym earlier today and was flipping through women’s magazines. What caught my eye were four mentions of scar erasers via creams or lasers. While, like most women, I am doing my best to defy the aging process, I tend to rarely notice the few scars I have.

One I received when I was very young, which has now lightened to a small crescent moon shape near my right thumb. I had stuck my hand in a wringer washing machine, I’m assuming out of curiosity. The only thing I remember about the incident was my mother, who would be about my age now, being in such a state of panic she was unable to do anything. Fortunately my older sister was there and unplugged the machine, so I am able to use both hands to type this blog entry.

Another scar, on the same hand, I received eight years ago, although I can’t seem to recall what I did to cut myself. I was frantically getting ready to go on a trip to visit someone who I had convinced myself I was in love with. The reality was I needed an escape from the life I was living and it seemed far easier at the time to escape into someone else than to figure out what was really missing in my life.

The most recent scar is one my left arm. My car antennae broke off and I never bothered to replace it as I can still get the classical radio station I like even with it being broken. I was once again in a frantic state getting umpteen things done before going to my beginning Tai Chi class and scraped my arm against the broken antennae. It seemed to dawn on me then that it defeated the purpose of the outcome of Tai Chi to be rushing to get there. While I do still seem to always be on the run, I am starting to feel less rushed and have allowed myself to let things fall as they may or to be late if that’s what needs to happen.

I’m not sure I would want these scars removed. I think some history should be remembered.

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10.31.09 – Shadow Play

It’s interesting how something commonplace, or even ugly, can be so easily transformed by shadows.

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10.30.09 – Wishing I Was Somewhere Else

RIGHT NOW.

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10.29.09 – The Prize

Like most people these days, I’m looking to reduce my budget. I’ve decided to cancel my cable subscription. At first I was a bit sad about this until I realized I hadn’t watched any TV in a couple of weeks, and the few network shows I do like (Castle, The Daily Show, Masterpiece on PBS) are now available online. The last few times I did surf through the channels, I experienced a mixture of bewilderment and disgust. With the multitude of television stations and web channels it’s really not that hard anymore to get on TV, yet people are willing to make complete idiots out of themselves for a t-shirt. When did we lose our sense of reason?

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10.28.09 – Fear of the Unknown

It’s easy to get frightened and imagine something horrible when you don’t know what’s on the other side.

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10.27.09 – Bouquet

I think I needed this today.

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10.26.09 – Seeing Through the Trees

If you push your way through you can make it out of the wilderness.


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10.25.09 – Barriers

I’ve always been good about putting up barriers to keep myself safe, but often they just get in the way and become exhausting to remove. It takes a great deal of work and gasping to peel them away.

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10.24.09 – Parallel Universe

Have you ever had a day (or a week, or a month, or a year, etc.) where nothing seemed to go right? Things that you’d done over and over again suddenly were lost to you. It’s almost as if you’ve been transported to some parallel universe where things look the same, but they’re really not.

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10.23.09 – Enabling

There are lots of books about toxic work environments that explain the different personality types in the office. Usually there is advice on how to deflect these people or at least come out of the situation unscathed. For me the most dangerous type is the enabler. This is the person who no matter what their competency (or lack there of), they tend to rise in the organization. A smart and crafty enabler will become “one” with the top person, saying exactly what he/she wants to hear and trying to create precisely what the person wants. Problems arise when the top person is either flat out incompetent or deeply misguided. Instead of saving the person from himself/herself, the enabler helps push them off the cliff while trying to keep their own balance.

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10.22.09 – Inner Strength

In 2004 I resigned from an organization who’s leader, I believed, showed a great many similarities to George W. Bush (and that’s not a good thing). I felt doubly hurt when Bush was reelected later that year because of this. Five years later and now both men are out of office, yet I don’t feel satisfied. How can you feel a sense of triumph when said people don’t see the reality of their circumstances?

I find the older I get the more I realize it takes a very strong person to not get stuck in the blame game. It takes true inner strength to see your own shortcomings and not be shattered by the turmoil around you.


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10.21.09 – Whining

The more you whine, the more likely you'll end up sounding like a cross between a Charlie Brown adult character, Scooby Doo, and Dino from The Flintstones.

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10.20.09 – Not a Safe Position

Sticking your head in the ground may shield you from the storm for a little while, but it’s not a safe position to be in for the long term.

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10.19.09 – Is it really beginning to look like Christmas?

I’m not much of a shopper these days and was surprised recently when I went in some stores and saw nothing but Christmas items and decorations. I don’t even feel ready for Halloween and yet Christmas is being forced down our throats. It’s hard to muster the excitement.

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10.18.09 – The Worst Part of Fall

Is there no escaping football?

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10.17.09 – Window on the World

No matter what the weather, I would prefer to be inside. Usually what gets me out is growing tired of my clutter and my windows. Seeing the world from someone else’s windows always looks so different, and usually so much better.

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10.16.09 -- Can Plants Hear?

Why is it that one plant in one room can be dying a quick death, while another in a different room is growing long enough that it might escape? Could the Hemi-Sync meditation cds played in the latter be the cause? Something to think about.

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10.15.09 -- The Inner Critic

If you read enough self-help books or books on creativity, you hear about “the critic.” This isn’t a real critic who critiques your work, but that little voice inside your head that constantly is telling you what you’ve done wrong, why you shouldn’t bother doing new things, and that you’ll never amount to anything so you might as well give up and go back to your old life and old way of thinking.

My voice always speaks very slowly, and has a soft, extremely feminine voice, which probably has a lot to do with growing up surrounded by unhappy women who had clearly given up on their dreams.

Don’t listen to the voice!

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10.14.09 -- Baptism

I’ve never been officially baptized. My academic advisor in college, who was a devout Catholic, was quite troubled by this and told me I’d be going to limbo. That didn’t seem that bad to me. Of course, this was also the same professor who didn’t have us read Dante’s Paradise in our literature class, stating none of us would be going there.

A drunken former Seminarian attempted to baptize me in the dorms, but I’m not sure that counts.

A friend of mine just returned from Portugal and gave me a lovely statue of Fátima with the blessed water (go to this link to read more about Fátima: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Our_Lady_of_Fatima). I wonder if it’s possible to baptize yourself.

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10.13.09

Some days it’s hard to know which end is up. You just have to try all sides to figure it out.

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10.12.09

I think about the phrase “to put some light on the subject” at times. Not enough and too much can make it impossible to see what’s going on. You have to have the right amount of light at just the right angle to truly see all.

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10.11.09

I like the early evening, before it becomes pitch black. The light begins to take on a magical quality and it still feels like it's possible to get things done before night falls.

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10.10.09 -- Ladder to Success

How structurally sound is the ladder to success?

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10.9.09 -- Light the Way

I suppose we all need something to light the way for us.

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10.8.09 -- Which is more real?

Which is more real – reality or make believe?

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10.7.09 -- Russia

I studied Byzantine art in graduate school, which ended up evolving into Russian icons. I have no idea why either fascinated me, as I’m not religious, nor am I Russian. Over time I amassed a strange collection of Russian or Russian-inspired items. Perhaps it’s the rich, diverse, and ever evolving history of the people and country that really is the most intriguing thing, rather than their religion at a fixed point in time.

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