1.31.10 – Knowing What I Don’t Want

I was at Target earlier today picking up a few things and was a bit overwhelmed, as it was completely filled with screaming and vastly unhappy children. I have never been so happy to escape to the privacy of car as I was upon leaving that store today.

The thing is I’m at the age where if wanted children I really need to be hustling to make it happen, which I’m not. When I was in my late teens and early twenties I absolutely did not want kids and did not want to get married due to seeing how great it turned out for my parents and siblings (that was extreme sarcasm, in case it was missed). In my thirties I softened up and thought perhaps I might want both things, but never seemed to find the right relationship to make either happen. Now the thought of having someone for romance, mutual respect and support, intimacy, and all the rest sounds appealing again, but not the children.

My mother had five children at the age I am now, where as I can’t even fathom having one at the moment. I suppose it’s good to know what you don’t want and what you’re capable of (and not), even if it does seem selfish to others. I think I’d rather be selfish than resent the child.

1.30.10 – But Will I Use It…

I was given this balance ball by a friend a few hours before my last accident. It makes me wonder if she unconsciously knew something. Granted I could have used the ball for stretching and Pilates even without the accident, but now I’m in need of elongating exercises recommended by both doctor and Chi Master. Too strange…

It is a lovely bright color, which helps.

1.29.10 – Minty Cool

There was a little bit of sun yesterday that may have helped my current mindset, or perhaps it’s having a better understanding of what’s going on with my body and some gradual lessening of the pain. It was very cold today, but it reminded me of the coolness and sharpness of mints, which can ultimately be sweet.

1.28.10 – Shhh...

I’m feeling a bit whiny these days. I like to think of my blog as my daily pep talk, in a far more public way. I really don’t want to hear my whining and assume no one else does either, so I should just be quiet for a while.

1.27.10 – Seeing Red

Well, I took the copies of my brand new x-rays to the Chi Master tonight, who was far better able to explain them to me than the doctor was on Monday. I have at least one bulging disc in the sacrum area, and possibly two (the x-rays are a bit hard to make out). I have now been demoted from Level 3 in Tai Chi to Level 1/Level 2. I think I’m more annoyed about this than the bulging disc(s). I am the consummate overachiever.

The other frustrating thing is all I seem to be surrounded with is issues I feel I shouldn’t have to think about for another ten or twenty years. I shouldn’t have to be discussing chronic pain management solutions with people twenty+ years older than me other than for curiosity reasons. I shouldn’t have to discuss joint medications with my 73 year-old friend’s mother. No wonder I feel old.

The only slightly childish amusement I get from this episode is that the joint supplement I’m taking is a fruity, powdery substance that you mix with water and which temporarily stains your tongue red. It reminds of summer days eating way too cherry popsicles.

1.26.10 – Under the Covers

Days like today I’d really just like to wrap myself in one of my silk scarves that I rarely wear anymore and snuggle under the covers until spring comes.

1.25.10 – Bonjour

This morning a friend of mine, who is from the Netherlands, commented on my unhappiness surrounding the dreary weather we are currently having (my drive home in the hail and snow storm that produced white-out conditions and that came out of nowhere didn’t help my mood), reminding me that places I've stated I wanted to relocate to – London, Paris, Copenhagen – also suffer from rainy and dreary weather. She forgot one thing that outweighs the dreary weather – universal health care.

Have I mentioned how much I hate doctors? I spent ALL morning and part of the afternoon at a medical center, after being referred by my doctor last week to a Pain Management and Rehabilitation specialist. He recommended this as my pain has become chronic after my 2008 accident and the recent accident has not helped matters. I waited nearly an hour in an uncomfortable waiting room chair, then stated my information to a medical assistant who was going from one computer tab to another, barely listening and probably not even understanding what I was talking about, then I was sent downstairs for x-rays, back upstairs to wait again to see the doctor, who I then had to repeat everything I had already said to her assistant. At least the doctor seemed more open to alternative therapies and didn't think I was seeing a voodoo doctor when I referred to seeing a Chi Master for therapy. Of course voodoo might be the next step.

The outcome of all this is – who knows! It could be the disc, it could be a nerve, or it could be goblins. The doctor kept referring to her concern and “curiosity” about various letters and numbers on my spine, much of which I did not understand. The recommendation was continuing the muscle relaxant that I can only take at night as it makes me too drowsy and prescription ibuprofen. If the pain and inflammation doesn't lessen then I have a prescription for steroids she’d like me to take. If it still doesn't lessen then it's an MRI and an epidural, which I doubt my insurance will cover. I did leave with a complimentary copy of my x-rays (why pass up something that’s free), although I'm not sure I'll be able to afford the originals.

At the end of this day, all I keep thinking about is that in France, a doctor would come to me. If I had to wait an hour, at least I'd be in my home, could wear my own dressing gown, and there'd be no concern about what my insurance will or will not cover. I did take a year of French in college, but didn't get very far. With as many French films as I watch, I should be fluent by now. Perhaps instead of trying to learn Japanese last summer, I should have been learning French. I suppose it's not too late.

1.24.10 – Dreary Days

I know I should be glad we aren’t suffering the typical winter snowstorms; in fact, it even hit 50 degrees today (Fahrenheit). It still doesn’t help my mood and overall well being when it’s as gloomy as it has been these last few weeks. I even wonder if my body would be better if wasn’t so depressing outside.

1.23.10 – Coherence Returning

The upside to having chronic back pain issues and having been in several car accidents, is that you know what to do right away. I now know to ice myself and where. I’ve also acquired other alternative approaches that have helped things from getting worse. I am still in pain and having issues, but am beginning to feel my coherence flying back to me. Believe me, I need its return.

1.22.10 – I Know How They Feel

I’m feeling rather droopy today, which is a great improvement over most of the week. I managed to push myself to one art opening tonight, but just couldn’t make it to the others I had planned on going to.

For so long I’ve whined about there being nothing to do in Cincinnati, and now I find I have no energy or am in too much pain to enjoy what’s out there. It makes me wonder if there really were things here to do, but I just didn’t want to see them at the time.

1.21.10 – Trying not to go under

I hate doctors and the feelings are mutual, as I am the 1 out a 100 who either doesn’t benefit from a drug or gets really sick from it. Unfortunately, I am still in pain and was persuaded to go to a doctor, if for no other reason than just to make sure nothing was seriously wrong. It was as I expected – he was pleasant enough, but barely listened to me, and just wanted to give me pills and send me off to someone else. Out of my mind, surely, I did make the appointment, but am still debating going next week, as I can’t imagine much good coming of it, just as I keep staring at this bottle of muscle relaxants, wondering if they will help or send me further under.

1.20.10 – Checking out the Surroundings

I’ve always found it interesting how tulips can start so straight and closed-down, still beautiful, but not showing anything to you at first. These orange ones I picked up on Saturday seem to have become quite lively now, living up to their color. At first, it struck me that perhaps they were trying to escape, but the more I look at them I think they just feel comfortable enough to show themselves and are curious to see what else is around them.

1.19.10 – Trying to See Clearly

I’m still trying to work out what’s going on in my life. I’m a bit mystified. One friend told me I’m not being clear with the universe what I want and it’s giving me what I want, but just not how I want it. That could explain a great deal of my life.

I suppose I’ll have to keep staring at it until it comes into focus, and be far more specific from now on.

1.18.10 – Is a change needed, and if so, what direction?

I’m not a religious person, but I do like to believe there is a reason for things happening, or signs. I was just rear-ended AGAIN about two hours ago. That makes three accidents in less than a year and a half. None of the accidents were my fault, but that’s not much consolation, especially as I feel the inflammation rise.

I was almost in an accident last week, which made me come to the realization that the freelance work I had been doing for the place I was leaving, I’d like to come to an end. I’m wondering if this is also a sign about the day job I was leaving late from when this happened. I don’t want to believe the universe hates me or that I’m just really unlucky. I want to believe this needed to happen for some reason, but that it will also stop happening.

It does reconfirm my desire to be in a larger city, preferably in Europe, where there is public transportation, so I won’t have to drive so much, making me less of a target potentially. Other than that, I just don’t know.

1.17.10 – Advice

The down side of having an illness or injury, beside the pain, is that everyone always wants to tell you what worked for them, or their friend, or their neighbor’s uncle. Rarely will it have any bearing on you. It probably didn’t even help the said person.

I have a problem lower disc and a floating vertebrae, due to a car accident, that on occasion misbehave, get inflamed, and press on various nerves, causing a great variety of unpleasantness. Often I can go for quite a while feeling fine, and then, sometimes for no reason that I can discern, trouble hits. This week the pressing was on the sciatic nerve, and was very, very awful. The real problem is you don’t always realize what’s actually going on. I thought at first I somehow pulled something in my right leg, as I couldn’t seem to walk on it and it was excruciatingly painful, but that was not the case.

I’ve had reiki, acupuncture, and cortisone shots thrown at me as potential ideas this week, none of which sounded right. My one friend, who has back trouble himself, recommended I lie on the floor with my legs up on a couch or table. For a while this felt good, but I think I stayed on the floor too long (everything in moderation) and the lower back is a little tender again. Still, it did give me an interesting view out my office window, which I probably would not have noticed otherwise.

1.16.10 – Into the Light

I’m a sarcastic and cynical person by nature, and have probably more than a touch of depressive tendencies. It’s hard to be optimistic, especially when you’re in a great deal of pain, but I find I’m more and more compelled to drag myself kicking and screaming, if need be, into the light, into optimism. It’s as though I know that if I let myself get in that dark place, it will be too hard to get out again.

1.15.10 – Back

I injured my back in a car accident a little over a year ago. I’m still dealing with a problem lower disc, which caused me much anguish earlier in the week. The frustrating thing is the back doesn’t look that strange. Yes, I need to loose to weight (although the camera does add 10 pounds to you), and if I weren’t afraid I’d do more damage and cause myself more pain, I’d be at the gym right now.

With the amount of pain I was in I’d almost expect knots or other clearly visible signs of trouble, yet it’s only when I touch it that I feel the vertebrae curving slightly out instead of in.

1.14.10 – Real Work

I had an appointment with my dentist this morning. I’d been putting it off, but luckily there were no problems with my teeth, however, I do think it’s time I find a new dentist. Between the aggravations of parking at his office near the local university’s campus, his unpleasant receptionist, and his own narrow-minded rudeness, it’s definitely time for a change.

The comment that bothered me was his asking me what I was doing (i.e. where am I working). Before I could answer he responded that last time I was there I “wasn’t doing real work.” This caused me to raise my eyebrows and tell him that I was working or else I wouldn’t be able to afford the visit, as no on is supporting. He tried to, badly, smooth it away by saying that I had been working in a bunch of places back then. That is still the case, so I found a way to get the conversation to a close, so I could get out of there as quickly as possible.

I spent as long as I could in school, and then worked full-time as a non-profit fundraiser for ten years until I just couldn’t stand it anymore. I’m not currently full-time at one place, but probably am busier than when I was, as I’m on the run a lot. This is at times precarious, but I don’t think I could go back to my old life, being stuck in one place all the time. I need variety and I need flexibility, plus I no longer have any tolerance for the standard office b.s. anymore. A friend and a freelance employee, who did work for me at my last full-time job, often commented that the most useless meetings offered the best snacks. As much as I’d like the best snacks, they are not worth the useless meetings.

This life does have its sacrifices, that I sometimes wonder if its worth it, but the more I think about going back to what my dentist would consider “real work,” I know I made the right decision. Anyone know of a good dentist in the Cincinnati/Northern Kentucky area?

1.13.10 – Half Full or Half Empty?

I always thought it was a silly thing to ask how people saw a glass at its half way mark, thinking there were so many other questions that would better define a person. That said, no matter how much of a cynic, sarcastic pessimist I project to the world, I do see the glass half full. It doesn’t matter how bleak things get or how much I sit and cry on my couch over all the mistakes I’ve made and opportunities I let slip by, I still believe things will get better and I’ll get through whatever mess I’m in.

This week has been truly and utterly lousy, yet I’m trying to convince myself that perhaps since it was so lousy at the beginning of the week, something great will happen at the weekend.

1.12.10 – Waiting for Spring

A Facebook friend of mine recently pointed out that there were only 68 more days left until spring. Maybe then we can all get rid of the scarves and hats.

1.11.10 – Aging Photographs

I hate having my picture taken and always have. The irony is I worked for a long time in a rather public position at non-profits and had to attend events, where I inevitably had my picture taken. I also was responsible at the last place I worked at for a great deal of communication efforts, which caused me to utilize an editor/photographer/project coordinator (Howard Wells, for those who know him. He should get photo credit for most of the shots in my movie today, except for the first and last. I do have a beguiling photo I took of him wearing a tiara as payback. Anyone interested in seeing, please contact me), who always had at least one camera on his person and was always taking pictures whether the moment required it or not.

I would be frequently given these photos, the worst of which would immediately be pitched. Others I’d grimace at and then file away. While dealing with the never-ending clutter in my home this weekend, I found a stack of these photos and was a bit jolted. I don’t have personal photos scattered around my home, and certainly not of me, so it was so strange seeing myself over the years.

Recently I’ve been reconnecting with people I hadn’t seen in some time and did notice on more than one occasion the person not immediately recognizing me. My hair is longer and much lighter (see the 12.8.09 blog entry). I told one friend from college, who I hadn’t seen in years, that I was “blondish” as a way to help him find me at the coffee shop that we were meeting at, although shortly after that I saw myself in some photos from a Thanksgiving dinner party and was surprised as I hadn’t noticed I’d gone beyond being “blondish” to blonde. Peroxide can be addictive.

I know all of these photos are of me, but it’s as though they are actually someone else, which, I suppose in a way, they are. It takes photographs and a distance of time to really start seeing yourself and even seeing people in your family in yourself that you hadn’t noticed before.

1.10.10 – Place

I’m still a bit blue and having to deal with snow always makes me more annoyed with myself for not finding a way to leave this area of the country, that I never had any intention of staying in for as long as I have. As a child, I wanted to be in California, but not the California of the 70s, but the dream world of the old Hollywood movies I watched with my mother, who having had me later in life, still always seemed to be living in another era. As a teenager, London was where I thought the magic would be. Of course, I also thought I’d be married to David Bowie. There were brief thoughts of being in Holland with Rutger Hauer or London again with Simon Le Bon, but Bowie always won out, at least until he married Iman.

In my twenties I wanted to be in Washington D.C, when I was trying so hard to be someone other than who I was. Seeing the strong, confidant Working Girls of the 80s, was such an inspiration, and so opposite from my mother, that I tried in every way to emulate them. This continued into my early thirties, although by then I wanted to be in New York City, surrounded by art and culture. By my mid-thirties I realized, while I would always need to be self-supporting, I would never be the cutthroat/all-work-no-play woman I had tried so desperately to be. I also wanted London again, even without Bowie.

I know intellectually I would have been just as much of a mess and just as unhappy if I’d been in any of the places I longed to live when I was younger. As the saying goes, you always take yourself with you no matter where you go. I only hope that I can still figure a way to get to where I want to be while there’s still time to enjoy it.

1.9.10 – Winter Blues

I’m very tired these days, probably due to the cold, the snow, and the darkness. I’m taking vitamins, exercising, and meditating, but still find myself a bit woozy at the end of the day, wishing winter would be over.

1.8.10 – Yellow & Stars

I am badly in need for yellow, and a few stars.

1.7.10 – Not Seeing Clearly

Today we’ve seen snow showers, which are starting to taper off, luckily. It reminded me how much I’ve never liked the color white. It overpowers everything. I would rather see bright colors any day.

1.6.10 – Back to Reality

There's something very sad about an empty cupcake wrapper. It's as though the party is over, back to reality.

1.5.10 – Mantra

My current daily mantra.

1.4.10 – Floating

This is not how I feel right now, but would like to.

1.3.10 – Takeoff

As much as I enjoy the quiet of this time of day, there’s always a certain eerie calm about the weekend coming to a close. It’s almost like being in a plane about to take off -- uncertainty about what will happen, with a mixture of both excitement and dread.

1.2.10 – Discombobulated

I began my Level 3 Tai Chi classes today. In Level 2 you learn a choreography of 60 movements. In Level 3 you do the same movements, in the same order, but they are the mirror image. On the second move I began to screw up; halfway through my brain said “no more.” It’s amazing how just changing one thing can get you all screwed, going round and round until you fall and then start all over again.

1.1.10 – Magic in a Bottle/Jar/etc.

I was the unplanned mid-life child, which caused me to always feel like I was playing catch-up to everyone around me. I somehow got it into my head that if I could do what they did or wear the things they did, I'd be an adult and could then escape from my house and my parents. I borrowed a book from school and taught myself cursive handwriting a year or two before we were taught it in class. I would practice walking in high heels in my room, mostly falling over. I would try my best to copy the makeup of the stars I admired. I would also learn to like cocktails that I thought made me look mature and sophisticated.

Of course, none of it worked. Learning cursive early didn't get me any nods of approval at home or at school. The high heels were painful. The makeup certainly didn't change my life or get me out of my house, which caused me to stop wearing it in college, only reacquiring the habit in my twenties when I was looking again for a miracle that would change my life. The alcohol didn't help me; in fact it would upset my sleep cycle, causing me to be awake all night. When you're already unhappy with your life, the last thing you need is to be awake all night. As I've gotten older, my system became more sensitive to stimulants and depressants, causing alcohol to make me anxious, so I stopped drinking.

I guess my point is that there is no magic in a bottle or jar of cream or high heels or anything else, although as I begin seeing more lines on my face, I may start looking for it again.