1.31.10 – Knowing What I Don’t Want

I was at Target earlier today picking up a few things and was a bit overwhelmed, as it was completely filled with screaming and vastly unhappy children. I have never been so happy to escape to the privacy of car as I was upon leaving that store today.

The thing is I’m at the age where if wanted children I really need to be hustling to make it happen, which I’m not. When I was in my late teens and early twenties I absolutely did not want kids and did not want to get married due to seeing how great it turned out for my parents and siblings (that was extreme sarcasm, in case it was missed). In my thirties I softened up and thought perhaps I might want both things, but never seemed to find the right relationship to make either happen. Now the thought of having someone for romance, mutual respect and support, intimacy, and all the rest sounds appealing again, but not the children.

My mother had five children at the age I am now, where as I can’t even fathom having one at the moment. I suppose it’s good to know what you don’t want and what you’re capable of (and not), even if it does seem selfish to others. I think I’d rather be selfish than resent the child.