1.10.10 – Place

I’m still a bit blue and having to deal with snow always makes me more annoyed with myself for not finding a way to leave this area of the country, that I never had any intention of staying in for as long as I have. As a child, I wanted to be in California, but not the California of the 70s, but the dream world of the old Hollywood movies I watched with my mother, who having had me later in life, still always seemed to be living in another era. As a teenager, London was where I thought the magic would be. Of course, I also thought I’d be married to David Bowie. There were brief thoughts of being in Holland with Rutger Hauer or London again with Simon Le Bon, but Bowie always won out, at least until he married Iman.

In my twenties I wanted to be in Washington D.C, when I was trying so hard to be someone other than who I was. Seeing the strong, confidant Working Girls of the 80s, was such an inspiration, and so opposite from my mother, that I tried in every way to emulate them. This continued into my early thirties, although by then I wanted to be in New York City, surrounded by art and culture. By my mid-thirties I realized, while I would always need to be self-supporting, I would never be the cutthroat/all-work-no-play woman I had tried so desperately to be. I also wanted London again, even without Bowie.

I know intellectually I would have been just as much of a mess and just as unhappy if I’d been in any of the places I longed to live when I was younger. As the saying goes, you always take yourself with you no matter where you go. I only hope that I can still figure a way to get to where I want to be while there’s still time to enjoy it.