12.31.09 – Life in the Bubble

I did, luckily, survive the night, and the fumes seem to have finally gone down. The neighbor, who I thought was doing painting in his side of the basement, was not. In fact, he also got sick from the fumes. He mentioned that one of the parking lots across the street had its lines painted yesterday, but that seems somewhat unlikely to be the cause. It is now a very strange mystery.

While I am sorry that I thought so many bad thoughts about my neighbor last night and that he also became ill, I’m somewhat relieved I wasn’t the only one. So much of the time I’m always the “sensitive one,” who always has reactions when no one else does. This causes me to often receive snide comments about me being the girl in the bubble. The ironic part of that is my homeopath has recommended I imagine myself in a safe bubble when such events like this take place, and that vacuum hoses are sucking up all the bad stuff. Ah, life…

12.30.09 – Watching the Clock

Mostly these days I spend my time always running behind schedule and being late, dreading looking at the clock. This evening it was a slightly different story. I walked in to my apartment and was greeted by noxious chemical fumes. My guess is one of my neighbors (I live in an old building converted into three units with connecting ductwork) was painting or doing something that my system did not like. Within ten minutes my lips began to swell a bit. Fortunately I had plans for most of the evening, but did, for once this month, take my time getting things done and even took care of errands in order to delay my return home.

The fumes are still present, even with fans and air cleaner units going. If there is no post tomorrow, you will know why.

12.29.09 – I Wish I May, I Wish I Might…

Things I’m wishing for in the coming year.

12.28.09 – Photographic Memory

Now that Christmas is over, the holiday music and movies seem to have faded away. I actually couldn’t get that interested in the old holiday movies this year, perhaps having watched them far too many times. I did watch Elf on Christmas, which has become a guilty pleasure, much to some of my friends’ horror. For a while I wasn’t sure what it was about the movie that delighted me so much. Then I realized what it was.

I don’t have any of my childhood photos and as it would take communicating with my family to get them, it seems doubtful I will ever see them again. I do remember them, especially a photo of myself at my oldest sister’s wedding. I was the unplanned mid-life child and my siblings were teenagers when I was born. This caused me to be a toddler at her wedding. I have no memory of the event itself, but was told I thought the whole day was for me, as any child would. I don’t think I’ve ever experienced the amount of delight as an adult that that young child had in that moment the shutter snapped. It’s the same sense of delight and feeling of wonder at the world that comes across in the film Elf, and a feeling I wish I could experience again.

12.27.09 – Life in the Balance

I used to be comfortably numb. I wasn’t particularly concerned when my ears closed up and I could barely hear people for about a year and half, believing what my allergist said, that I needed to move to a drier climate. When I quit the job I hated, my ears suddenly opened, making me wonder if a great deal of the allergic symptoms I’d had over the years really were allergies or just my body trying to either protect me (by reducing the volume of the awfulness around me) or get my attention.

I’m not numb any more, but at times I wish I still was. The slightest thing can send my body out of balance, although I have learned to roll with this far more than at the beginning.

As I uploaded yesterday’s video clip on the flowering tea, I felt such potentially negative sensations. I went into my tried and true method of dealing with such situations – I took my phone, got in bed, listened to music, and watched the clock, believing that if I wasn’t worse or dead within a half hour, I’d probably be okay. And I was, although I was wide awake at 2:30 in the morning, which rarely happens to me anymore. I think it may have been the caffeine, as I always forget that green tea does have caffeine. Drinking six cups of green tea after 4:00 p.m. was really, really stupid.

As a youth I drank an obscene amount of caffeinated soft drinks, which then turned into day-long drinks of caffeinated coffee at the office in my 20s and 30s. Now I can have two cups of caffeinated coffee in the morning, but am in trouble if I have more, especially late in the day. It’s as though the body has had its fill, yet I still forget this.

Eventually I’m sure I’ll get the hang of keeping things in balance, or at least I hope I do.

12.26.09 – Flowering Tea

I have a lot of allergies – some real, some possibly more imagined. The problem is I have had severe reactions to foods, drugs, paints, and other environmental things, so sometimes it is hard to shake the fear of trying something new. I was given this green tea bud today, which looked utterly beautiful, but I was afraid to drink it even though I have had no problems with green tea. After staring at it for a while, I took a sip, then waited about a half an hour to have more, just in case something were to happen. Three containers later, or the equivalent of six cups, I am still alive and without any rashes or any worse the wear, and since the magazine at my gym claimed that people who drank at least three cups of green tea a day lost an additional five pounds a month, perhaps all those calories from the cookies I’ve been eating this week will be melting away as I type this. Of course, my assumption is that people who drink at least three cups of green tea a day probably have a much healthier diet than I do.

Still, it was quite a wonder to drink something coming from such a beautiful flower. It reminded me that as a child I once ate some of the flowers growing in our backyard. I can’t remember what they were, but I recall that they were fuchsia, and I’m sure I must have thought that they were candy of some kind. My mother was alarmed, but was told they were harmless to me. Obviously, they were. It makes me wonder if I sensed the flowers contained something I needed or if I was just drawn to the beauty.

12.25.09 – Transformation

I watched the movie, Julie and Julia today. I read the book around the time it came out and had followed Julie Powell’s blog story, yet I seemed to forget about it as I began my own blog.

In many ways I was reminded how similar our stories are. She was turning 30, frustrated with her life and career, and needed something to focus her creative talents on on a daily basis. While I wasn’t consciously thinking of my impending birthday in September when I started the blog, it surely was in the back of my mind, where I kept pushing it. (I turned the next momentous birthday, although I still can’t say it out loud or see it in print. I’ve decided I will be 38 perpetually. It’s not too old, not too young, and as a number of people have thought me much younger, I hope to be able to claim that age for some time.) I also needed a daily regimen for my art before the depression I was sinking into about the state of my life took hold.

What I thought would just be a good exercise to keep the creative muscles in shape, has been so much more than that. I seemed incapable of just throwing up video clips without commenting on them or writing about their significance to me, and through that I think I’m becoming more of who I always was down deep, but who I had kept under lock and key. These last few months have been quite transformative and I look forward to the next months ahead.

Today I will share with you more of the quite humorous Gingerbread Project (you may read some of the previous blog entries to learn more about this), which served as an interesting experiment, as well as a wonderful way to make me forget about the birthday that I really wasn’t looking forward to. It’s not that the actual number itself is so awful, but I truly had hoped I’d be living a much more grand and exciting life at this time in my life. On the other hand, I think back to the state of things for me several years ago, and I am in such a better place and do see hope in site, so that is a great comfort. Also, spending the weekend with a friend, both laughing and cursing, engrossed in a project, is not a bad way to spend your birthday and sums up the best aspects of the holiday season.

There is cursing in the clip, so viewers be advised.

12.24.09 – It’s Finally Here…

Happy Holidays!

12.23.09 – The Best Part of the Holidays

This time of year is often a good reminder to visit with friends.

My thanks to Howard and the ever-enchanting, Max.

12.22.09 – It’s Almost Here…

No need to say more, except if you’re in the Cincinnati area, check out the disco tree at Whatever Works Wellness Center on Montgomery Road, near Kenwood.

12.21.09 – Rinsing it All Away

To me the best part of having a blog is getting a lot of junk out of my system that I would otherwise hold in until I burst. I feel that I breathe better after I’ve made a post, as though the real me is finally getting out and able to take on air. The downside is that sometimes your friends can get a bit overly concerned. It’s nice to know that they care, especially in this hectic season where it’s easy to feel overwhelmed and lost in the shuffle. I think it’s important to remember that we all get down and depressed at times, but expressing those feelings help get them out of your system.

12.20.09 – Peace at Last

We’ve still been having flurries today and potential snow later tonight. I would prefer no snow for Christmas, but I’m in the minority. Still, the nice part of the precarious weather is that it tends to keep at least some of the people home, making it so much quieter.

12.19.09 – Respite

We have been under a winter weather advisory today, which luckily doesn’t appear to have generated much snow (that I am thankful for), and I decided to take advantage of the circumstances by giving myself a much needed break. I slept in, didn’t go to tai chi, didn’t do laundry, or much else. I did take care of my holiday cards, but that’s about it, except for watching British crime drama on DVD.

I think in this season, when the walls feel like they’re closing in on us and there is just too much to do and too much craziness around us, we would all be better off taking a short break to recharge and prepare ourselves for the next round.

12.18.09 – Wanting the World to Go Away

I’m now actually looking forward to Christmas because pretty much everything will be closed and whether I want to or not, I’ll be able to take a break and enjoy silence.

12.17.09 – Cycle of Blue

I hate this time of year, especially as I get older. It’s not just all the craziness of the stores and the holiday mayhem, but I think the combination of my birthday, which is a time of introspection, and the end of the year. It’s just too much of a weight of feeling like I haven’t accomplished anything and that I might not ever get to where I want to be. Sometimes it’s just too much. Then it eases off or I get too busy to notice, and then it starts up again in a never-ending cycle.

12.16.09 – I Found My Christmas Spirit…

…and it is bleak. After a day running non-Christmas errands that unfortunately placed me in the path of holiday craziness, I think I now hate everyone and would like to just stay under my covers until the beginning of the new year.

12.15.09 – Where is my Christmas Spirit?

Supposedly, when I was child, I begged my mother to keep our fake Christmas tree (what would you expect in Florida) up for a whole year. I think it had more to do with my not understanding my parents’ separation than my love of Christmas. Still, I ended up repeating that event later in life.

About a year after I left my full-time career to get back to a better path for me, I bought my first tree as an adult. I had thought about it over the years, but it always seemed like such a hassle. I felt a strange force pushing me to get the tree and it was indeed a hassle, causing me to not want to be bothered to take it down and put it back up again. It ended up standing in my living room for nearly three years until I had to move it in order to create a path for the cable person to do work on my line inside.

The tree, the lights, and all the ornaments have sat in my basement since then. I toyed with the idea of putting it back up again this year, but after looking at it in my kitchen for a few hours, I don’t think I can do it, and, instead think it will be going to Goodwill tomorrow. Perhaps you can burn yourself out on Christmas.

12.14.09 – Up, Up, and Away

I just wish I could get more bounce…

12.13.09 – Rings of Age

I was at a musical today at a local university, watching a friend’s daughter perform. Waiting after the show to congratulate her, I began observing the other students and listening in to their conversations. They all seemed so fresh and unjaded, and the most they seemed to have to worry about this week was a final exam or two. I found it amusing, but I wasn’t envious. As much as getting older bothers me, and this time year -- near year’s end -- especially depresses me, I wouldn’t want to be them. Somehow the motto if I knew then what I know now wouldn’t help me because I think knowing how unimportant what I thought was so important might cause me to do things differently. Yes, I probably would make better decisions and wouldn’t have had nearly the amount of heartache, but I don’t think I would have learned as much. It’s as though you need the pain of real experience to get to the next stage of your life.

12.12.09 – Seemingly Insurmountable

Looking from below, so many things seem so insurmountable, although, as I just discovered, you really don’t need that tall of a ladder to reach what you’re after.

Of course, having a friend three inches taller than you with a ladder helps.

12.11.09 – Phantom Limb

It’s amazing how we can become so used to the strangest things that we almost still think it’s there when it’s gone. Something I really didn’t enjoy or have a great desire to have in my home other than for a project, I feel a certain sadness now that it’s gone. I keep walking past where it used to be and feel something’s missing.

12.10.09 – Being Crushed

Why is there never a happy medium? It seems I’m either too busy or not busy enough. You would think the body could store up some of that extra energy from your down time, but that doesn’t happen either, unfortunately.

12.9.09 – From Great Heights

A human resource person told me years ago that I was rare in that I could see both the big picture and the little details necessary to get things done. This may be the case in the workplace, but rarely does this happen in my off-duty life. It’s typically not until years later, basically from a great distance, that I can see events and relationships clearly. It would so nice if we could get that kind of perspective, at least for a few seconds, occasionally in our life before the damage is done.

12.8.09 – Futuristic Hair

When I was growing up, hair salons in cartoons and sci-fi shows were always entertaining and fairly exciting. In The Flintstones prehistoric animals would wash your hair using their snouts and in The Jetsons and other sci-fi shows machines would come down over your head and quickly change the color and style. This we still don’t have, along with flying cars.

Instead, like most women who alter their hair (probably 99% of the female population, or so it seems to me), I have to spend hours, and I mean HOURS, to get the look that I want. This is probably why I put off getting my hair done until it starts looking really really bad.

While I enjoy gossiping and hearing about other people’s lives while I wait at the salon, I would gladly accept the quick-change hair styler machine over a flying car any day.

My thanks to Bonnie Wynn of A Head of the Times for not only making me look lovely, but also serving as Director of Photography today. Today’s film is a bit longer, but don’t worry, it’s just the highlights.

12.7.09 – Color

I think about, and notice, color a lot. I go through periods where I only want to wear or look at certain colors. Sometimes this falls within what advertisers decide is the color or color combination of the moment, other times it doesn’t. I bought this glass piece at GlassWorks in Louisville right around the time I was making a very big, and potentially very stupid, career decision. I was drawn to its color more than the design.

These last few months I’ve been seeing this same color combination in clothes, fancy file folders, and earrings, and have been equally drawn to them. I’m sure there is some reason for this, which I just haven’t figured out yet. My hope is that I’m beginning another path that may be just as scary, but just as important.

12.6.09 – Sweet Smell of Success

No matter how good it seems, it’s a slippery slope.

12.5.09 – Helpful Tips to Get Through the Holidays

As the season comes down upon us, it’s nice to have some help to get us through this tough time.

This piece showed at u-turn art space in the Brighton neighborhood of Cincinnati at their Gingerbread exhibition this evening. I thought I would share this with those outside the viewing area or too afraid to enter the inner city of Cincinnati.

Enjoy!

12.4.09 – All Good Things Must Come to an End

I always love having fresh flowers around, especially yellow and orange ones. As much as I don’t enjoy my own aging, I do like watching the process they go through from vibrant to wilted. In fact, they almost seem more beautiful the more wilted and withered they become.

12.3.09 – Need to Scream

Have you ever had one of those days where all you wanted to do from start to finish was just scream?

If you have pets, turn down the volume before starting the movie.

12.2.09 – Going Back in Time

While I didn’t mind my recent birthday, I haven’t quite come to terms with the number I now have. I’ve either hedged around as people have asked how old I am or lied, although I didn’t realize it at the time. Last year I felt I deserved a do-over and this year seems to be worthy of one as well, which has made me slightly confused. I only seem to feel older when the weather changes, and that’s more due to my car accidents over this past year and a half than aging.

What also causes me pains involving my age is being around men. I made a number of really bad choices in the past – not bad men, but bad for me. Due to this and a number of transitions going on in my life, I decided to take myself off the market for a while. I feel more strong and focused now, and less likely to make the same mistakes, so have begun to reactivate my senses. The whole “cougar” concept (older woman-younger man) seemed amusing, as I kept meeting younger men, but I can’t imagine dating someone who wasn’t born when the first Star Wars movie came out.

It would be so much easier if we could experience life like Benjamin Button – starting old and then getting younger and younger.

12.1.09 – Tidal Wave

It’s easy to get overwhelmed. Earlier this year I had too much free time, which caused me to begin a CSI: Miami & NY addiction that has now come to a close. Instead, this last month I’ve felt like I was drowning at times. That too now seems to be wrapping up, or so I hope.