11.30.09 – Day Job

Like most artists I know, I have a day job. For the most part it works well, as it provides me with a very flexible schedule, a computer with internet at home, and I don’t have to interact with many people – a big plus at times. I do have to deal with customers via email and occasionally the phone, which mostly works well, but there are always a few people who just defy reason. And yes, the typo was in this person's email message (three phone messages and four emails from the same person about the same issue, what a way to start a Monday.)

11.29.09 – Is it Christmas Yet?

It gets harder and harder each year for me to get even remotely interested in Christmas. With the crowds in the stores and the insanity that creates, I really just want to wake up and have it be New Year’s Day.

11.28.09 – Not Home for the Holidays

I came from a highly dysfunctional family, which is the norm these days, so holidays are not my favorite time of year. I haven’t been to my parents’ home since 1990 and I think I am the better for it. Most people, I’m sure won’t understand that, which is why I usually duck around when people ask me where I’m spending the holidays or if I’m going home. I’m not sure if it’s the blog or other things in my life or no longer being in a job where I feel I always have to present a very different image than who I really am, but I can’t seem to bother to lie that much anymore. A number of people around me have been a bit shocked by my directness and openness of late. I think it’s a good change and I’m starting to care less and less what others think in regards to how I live my life, which is a very good thing.

This year I was invited by a friend I was reacquainted with on Facebook, ironically, for Thanksgiving. I had a wonderful time and was welcomed by all her friends. Of course this makes me think of what I “missed out” on by not being around my family. I think I made the right choice.

11.27.09 – Is it Art or Just Candy?

Currently I have a lot of leftover candy from my gingerbread project (see my 11.22.09 blog entry to read all about that fun-filled experience), which made think of the artist, Felix Gonzalez-Torres. When I was in graduate school, the curator of contemporary art from the local art museum taught one of my art history courses. She managed to arrange visits to two local collectors’ homes, which allowed us to see some very famous pieces of art in very private domains. One home was filled with contemporary art, which caused a number of the students to raise their eyebrows repeatedly. One such piece was Felix Gonzalez-Torres’ mound of candy. I forget the exact name of the piece, but it was a mound of a specific brand of candy and a specific weight. Most of us, me included, were a bit perplexed at this piece, and bordering on not believing it to be real art. Then an interesting thing happened, the owner asked us to each take a piece of candy (many of Gonzalez-Torres’ pieces offer such tokens to the viewer and are replenished by either the owner or exhibitor). No one moved toward the mound. All the looks of skepticism were gone and a look of shock took its place. Even though many of us didn’t view this artwork as “real art” we couldn’t fathom disrupting or altering the piece. It took the owner and the curator to each take a piece of candy before the rest of us would slowly go over to the mound and delicately take a piece ourselves.

11.26.09 – First Cheers of the Day

I live near the riverfront, which, besides having the throngs of tourists and suburbanites who forget about one-way streets, brings a number of marathons pretty much underneath my bedroom window. Today was the Thanksgiving Day marathon. When I first moved to this area, I was woken up that day to cheers and whistles and encouraging voices. It took me a few moments to realize what was going on. Over the years I’ve gotten used to it like fireworks and ballgame traffic, but at times I do see both its humor and delight in hearing applause and cheers first thing in the morning.

11.25.09 – Mystery Pouch

On Monday I attended a local fundraising event and was given a gift bag. Upon looking through it at home it had the typical women's gift bag items -- perfume sample, cosmetics bag, gift certificates, and a tote bag with the unfortunate signature of a celebrity “designer,” but it also had something else. It had two plastic pillow-like pouches, with a department store's name and logo across it, filled with yellow liquid and what looked like a flattened button. These objects seemed quite odd to me, as I couldn't figure out what they were. There were no instructions on the pouch or in the gift bag. I thought about taking them in to the store and asking if someone could tell me their use, but didn't want to see completely stupid. It seemed possible that you might place them in the freezer and then put them on your eyes, but mostly, due to the urine color, they made me think of Andres Serrano photographs.

I decided to take one with me to lunch with a friend, thinking perhaps he could figure it out, but he was just as perplexed. When our waitress at Sitwell's stopped by, he decided to ask her and she knew exactly what it was. It turns out the flattened button when bent activates the pouch and it hardens, but instead of becoming cold, it heats up. She had used such devices, she said, while in high school band.

We continued to touch the hot pouch in amazement during lunch. It did go down to room temperature a few hours later, but was still rock hard. It's supposed to go back to its liquid state, the waitress said, after a period and then you can start the whole process again, but my friend, who I let have the one pouch, said it is still solid as a rock a day later.

This time of year it does make sense for such a device, as it's a good hand warmer, but I also realized it would be a great mugger deterrent. I have always liked things that have multiple uses. I just wish they had chosen a different color. I love the color yellow, but not as a liquid in a pouch.

I may have to go back to Sitwell’s and find that helpful waitress to figure out how to get it back to its original state.

11.24.09 – Zhivago

It’s now beginning to set in that winter is here, or nearly here. I’m going to have to get out my winter coat, which hopefully I can still fit in. Along with the typical winter images that come to mind when I think about this season, I get snippets of Dr. Zhivago. I have no idea why. I’m ashamed to say, I don’t even think I have seen the movie in its entirety. Something about those romantic snowy scenes with Omar Sharif at his most dashing and Julie Christie wearing that black shawl, makes winter seem almost bearable.

11.23.09 – Domes

Years ago I worked in a historic building that had a magnificent dome. I loved walking in and then looking up at it, almost being able to forget how much I hated the administration and many of my fellow co-workers. I still love staring up at domes in older buildings, temporarily transporting myself to another world.

This dome is not where I used to work, but The Carnegie Visual and Performing Arts Center in Covington, Kentucky. It is definitely worth visiting.

11.22.09 – No Assembly Required

I can say I did have a lovely, if a bit strange, birthday and deeply appreciate the kind birthday wishes I’ve received. I’m working on a film project that involves the use of gingerbread. I am not a domestic goddess, but thankfully my friend, Judith, who is far more Martha Stewart-like than me, came up for my birthday and helped me put together a gingerbread house. This ended up being far more challenging than either of us realized.

I have always liked kits and have bought many over the years, fantasizing about being the kind of person who could do string art, build a doll’s house, or even make a paper camera. The trouble is that I buy them and then put them aside for later, and never get to them, so I didn’t quite realize that when a package says that it includes everything and that it’s easy to assemble, it’s not really true.

We began by my friend whittling down the pieces to make them even. Since my tai chi instructor is always telling me I’m not straight, it seemed best for her to do this. Then came the royal icing. I can give you a tip if you are thinking about making a gingerbread house – don’t use royal icing. I have no video footage of this process because the mix went everywhere and I very quickly decided to move the camera to safety. After umpteen more tablespoons of water than the mix stated we use and the two of us taking turns with the hand mixer, it finally came together enough to use and it did miraculously (so far) hold the house together. Later that night we went online and searched and found a link from a woman, who after years of trouble building these houses, started using a glue gun and caulk instead of the icing. Who knew? I can tell you I would have no interest in eating this gingerbread house, so I wish I had used more user-friendly products. I am still picking up little balls of confectioners sugar everywhere.

We then had to leave the house to set for 2-3 hours, which, as it was late in the evening, we decided to leave the decorating to morning. My friend is an early riser, so she went ahead and added the layer of icing to coat the roof and left me to decorate after I became conscious. Dipping the candies in the bowl of icing instead of using the pastry bag is a far easier process. Judith cut the candies to make the wreath, as I couldn’t keep the pieces unstuck to my finger, and I was sick of the whole thing by then. I’m hoping the house stays together long enough for the film. Then it will be ritualistically mutilated.

I thought I’d share a little of this fun-filled birthday with you by showing the finished product with some of the censored audio.

Please note there are snips of profanity, which is not surprising.

11.21.09 – Birthday Wish

Today is my birthday. I’ve been a bit in denial about it, as most people get once you leave your 20s. I was hoping if I stayed busy enough I’d have no time to be depressed. Birthdays tend to remind me that I’m another year older and still not where I want to be in life. Someone told me a while back that she gave each year a theme in order to both not get depressed about getting older, but also to give each year a certain focus.

I think this year for me will be the year of being visible.

11.20.09 – Invisible

I keep feeling more and more invisible, both in my work and personal life. When I was growing up I learned that being invisible was the safest thing to be. I suppose part of me still won’t quite let that go, even though it is no longer a viable option for me any more.

11.19.09 – Memory of Days Gone By

It may not be truly winter yet, but it is getting colder, darker, and gloomier, which makes me fantasize about the beautiful blue summer days gone by.

11.18.09 – Queen for a Day

I've been feeling rather invisible lately, which makes me quite testy. It also makes me wish I were a queen, at least for a few moments a day. I wouldn't want all the hassles and headaches, just the overwhelming adoration.

11.17.09 – Circus

It something about the circus that makes the cold, wet, and dreary day melt away.

11.16.09 – The Cost of Modern Medicine

I hate going to the doctor. My body doesn't seem to respond as most doctors' think it should. I'm also currently having to pay for my own insurance, which causes it to really be too expensive to see the doctor as I have to pay both the co-pay and anything extra that's done to me (I've found out the hard way that most physicians claim lab work when nothing is sent to the lab in order to get their expenses covered by insurance policies).

This morning I went for my annual visit to the doctor and had to put off a preventative test because I just couldn't afford it at the moment. It was for something that I have no family history in and have had no problems with, so I felt relatively safe in deferring this test, but did have to deal with the doctor's displeasure and attempts to convince me it needed to be done.

I voted for Obama, hoping he would change things for the better, but I'm not surprised that he and the rest of the spineless politicians not only haven't changed healthcare for the American people for the better, they’re about to make it far more costly for people who already can't afford it.

The short film is an exaggeration of the events, but not by much. I hope for a time when I can focus on my health instead of the cost.

11.15.09 – Switch On for Guidance

Sometimes I wish I did have a religion to fall back on for guidance. Growing up in a fairly distorted Christian household and a church where all I saw was hypocrisy put a rather bad taste in my mouth for all religions. I toyed with the idea of finding some religion in college, but found fault in all of them, and in the end, found it best to rely on my own inner knowing.

Still, it would be nice to flip a switch at times and have someone tell me what I should do.

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11.14.09 – Having it All

I’m single, never been married, don’t really care if I get married, have no children, and don’t think I want children. I accept that other people are different and may want and need things I don’t. What frustrates me is that everyone assumes that if you are a woman that you want to be married and have children and look at you with pity when they find out you have neither husband nor child. When I was younger I thought I wanted the traditional life, but I really just wanted to hide behind someone else and not have to deal with what I really wanted out of my life and was afraid to seek.

Lots of people love sports and others hate them. We are all different. Having it all doesn’t necessarily mean the same thing to everyone. I think the world will be a better place once we all come to terms with the fact that we don’t all want the same things.
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11.13.09 – Visualization

Perhaps if I stare long enough I’ll be there instead of here.

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11.12.09 – Urban Explorers

I live near the riverfront, which is a somewhat quaint, but also touristy area. I’m close to expensive homes and condos, but strangely enough, just as close to the projects. It is a very odd sight to see out-of-town suburbanites in open-air horse-drawn carriages looking very fearful at the urban youth wandering by them.

This afternoon I was visiting a gallery in the western edge of the inner-city, in an area that has become a bit of a burgeoning arts area, but also viewed by most as not so safe. I was looking at a friend’s show again, and seeing how much I missed during the first viewing, when I heard that familiar sound (at least to me, especially on weekends) of the horse-drawn carriage. I looked out the window in wonder to see such a vehicle, so very much off what I assumed was the tourist path. It both surprised me, but also gave me hope for this area. If it’s safe enough for out-of-town tourists, than it’s safe enough for the locals.

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11.11.09 – Best Friends

I was a bit ambivalent about the online friend sites and very late came to Facebook, more to potentially promote my cable access show on local artists than to connect with people. At first I wanted to only be "friends" with people I at least knew, most of whom I don't think I could call friends, even though I do like them. If my car had a flat tire, there's only a handful of my "friends" on the list that I would call. I then began getting requests from people I didn't know, but decided to add those that either had some weird connection to me or I liked their work. Now I've even begun sending some requests myself, which I always feel very strange doing even though most have accepted the request.

Just last week I “unfriended” someone. I was in a particularly bad mood, feeling very frustrated, and somewhat powerless in the situation I was in. The idea just came to me that this person really wasn't my "friend" and I didn't want this person on my list. It was fairly quick and anticlimactic, but I did have a momentary sense of triumph. It does bring up the issue that friendship does mean vastly different things to different people.

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11.10.09 – Dream the Impossible Dream

I find it easy to get in moods where I think everything is impossible. A friend of mine likes to quote the queen in Alice in Wonderland who tells Alice she thinks up six impossible things before breakfast.

The trouble is I always find some fault with the impossible thing or start thinking as though I’m making a wish and want to find something absolutely fabulously impossible.

I suppose it does take practice.

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11.9.09 – Silent Screaming

Recently I had a couple of people state that they were surprised that anything could be wrong in my life, as I seemed so together. I had another couple of people tell me that they sense I have a lot of rage that I’m not expressing.

I find it interesting how different people can see totally different things. Perhaps with some people I’m a better actress than I give myself credit for or maybe it’s just that others see through my mask since they’ve worn it too.

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11.8.09 – End of the Weekend

All good things must come to an end – unfortunately.

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11.7.09 – Sign of Faith

I grew up in a religious household in the South, which is probably why I’m agnostic now. The strange thing is I like church buildings and religious artwork.

Is it possible to separate the craft from the craziness?

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11.6.09 – Where to Go Next

Like many people, I feel stuck where I’m at. Someone recently told me you can get stuck anywhere, which I suppose is true, but I can’t imagine I’d think I was stuck if I were in New York City or London. I’ve been thinking more that perhaps I should open up the possibilities for the next move, if for no other reason than not to dismiss something out of hand.

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11.5.09 – Tone of Voice

I find it interesting how my voice changes depending on who I’m speaking to and what capacity I’m in. My voice stays at its somewhat low/person who hasn’t had coffee in the morning yet when I speak with my friends. When I’m working I seem to go on autopilot, which causes my voice to become near sickeningly sweet and high, not quite Marilyn Monroe, but close.

No wonder work always seems to exhaust me regardless of any physical component.

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11.4.09 – Communication Error

In these days where everyone is always connected, it is very frustrating when no matter which form of communication you use there is no response.

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11.3.09 – Dark Passage

If you can just keep moving and get through the dark time there might actually be light at the end of the tunnel.

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11.2.09 – But is Anything On?

I tend to have very mixed feelings about television these days. The majority of my childhood and early adult life was spent consumed with television shows. I constantly think of the time wasted when I could have been reading or making something. Now I find it harder and harder to get interested in shows, watching one episode and then missing the rest of the season. Of course, I do have to say that cable access shows will most certainly be something interesting and more unique than the typical network fare.

Now that I have a television show of my own that I create, I’m hopeful there will be people interested enough to watch, but at the same time I think that they should be spending their time in more productive ways.

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11.1.09 – Scarred History

I was at the gym earlier today and was flipping through women’s magazines. What caught my eye were four mentions of scar erasers via creams or lasers. While, like most women, I am doing my best to defy the aging process, I tend to rarely notice the few scars I have.

One I received when I was very young, which has now lightened to a small crescent moon shape near my right thumb. I had stuck my hand in a wringer washing machine, I’m assuming out of curiosity. The only thing I remember about the incident was my mother, who would be about my age now, being in such a state of panic she was unable to do anything. Fortunately my older sister was there and unplugged the machine, so I am able to use both hands to type this blog entry.

Another scar, on the same hand, I received eight years ago, although I can’t seem to recall what I did to cut myself. I was frantically getting ready to go on a trip to visit someone who I had convinced myself I was in love with. The reality was I needed an escape from the life I was living and it seemed far easier at the time to escape into someone else than to figure out what was really missing in my life.

The most recent scar is one my left arm. My car antennae broke off and I never bothered to replace it as I can still get the classical radio station I like even with it being broken. I was once again in a frantic state getting umpteen things done before going to my beginning Tai Chi class and scraped my arm against the broken antennae. It seemed to dawn on me then that it defeated the purpose of the outcome of Tai Chi to be rushing to get there. While I do still seem to always be on the run, I am starting to feel less rushed and have allowed myself to let things fall as they may or to be late if that’s what needs to happen.

I’m not sure I would want these scars removed. I think some history should be remembered.

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