4.30.10 – Generosity and the Creative Spirit

I was reminded tonight of how generous artists are in the sharing of their work. This isn’t really anything new, but a good reminder of how different we artists are – in a good way.

4.29.10 – Apologies unspoken

I think we all carry around inside us hurt feelings that won’t go away, both from big and small experiences in our life. If there was only a way that apologies could be spoken and freely given by those who have wronged us maybe we could heal.

4.28.10 – Head in the Clouds

It was a little chilly today for late April, but the sun was back out and the sky was blue.

4.27.10 – Imperfection

Wanting things to be perfect or not wanting to try something if I couldn’t do it perfectly has always been a problem with me. I’m not quite sure where it came from, but I’m sure it’s some sort of insecurity from my family upbringing. Having to create a film a day has been good at working on this problem, as there’s no possible way I could create a perfect film every day and work and have a life. Still, I continue to be annoyed at the imperfection in my life, whether it be noticing that someone nicked my bumper (luckily when I wasn’t in the car this time) of my new-to-me car or the newly painted, but ugly and messed up, walls in my apartment.

I was recently thinking about Frank Lloyd Wright homes after an article I noticed from a fellow blogger. I’ve always loved his architecture and felt at home the first time I toured one of his homes, yet I know I could never live in one of them, at least not year round. My clutter, and things I don’t consider clutter, would never fit in. A friend recently commented about his homes that it’s hard to live in perfection. I suppose that’s why I should embrace the imperfection around me, knowing it enables me to comfortably breathe and live and take chances.

4.26.10 – Waiting for opportunity to knock

I know as a rational person that opportunity or fortune is not going to come knocking on my door, yet I still keep hoping and waiting for it.

4.25.10 – Far from the maddening crowd

I keep getting more and more perplexed about the current political situation. All the polls show that the Tea Party members are white males living in the South and measure a paltry number, yet the media keeps making them out to be this huge movement. The polls also show that the majority are either retired or have good incomes, yet, again, the media showcases their unemployed and, lets just say, not mentally sound individuals.

This is nothing new – the media always highlights the loudest and craziest person. What really worries me is that this will make us dismiss the whole group as crazies and assume that sane people will realize what they are. This could allow the more nasty among them, who seem clean and sane on the surface, to get past people and maybe even get into office, bringing about their very warped views on the world.

4.24.10 – Let it go

I’m still in purge mode, which means wanting to get rid of the clutter, but having to fight myself every step of the way. Due to being petite and being afraid of heights, I managed to not notice that the top shelf of my kitchen cabinet was sagging in the middle. Most of items I barely remembered having – stolen on the rocks glasses from a hotel room, a wine glass from a wine festival, champagne glasses – all of which seems useless as I don’t drink anymore. Still, I end of up looking at all this dusty glass and crystal on my kitchen counter and want to see if I can find a place for them.

4.23.10 – Maze

When I don’t feel like I’m stuck in a holding pattern, I tend to feel I’m in a maze and that if I can just make my way to the center it will all be okay.

4.22.10 – Holding Pattern

I’m starting to feel like I’m back in a holding position again, waiting for my turn.

4.21.10 – Uncomfortable Silence

I watched The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo at the Esquire Theatre in Cincinnati last night, which I enjoyed except for the fact that we lost sound for the last 15-20 minutes. Just before the sound cut out, I heard a loud pop that made me jump slightly in my seat. The staff tried to get it back on (without ever stopping the movie), but failed. True, it was a foreign film, although there were a few minutes which appeared to be an English language conversation, but it was difficult not hearing the music, or lack of music, or hearing the voices and their tone. That’s one of the reasons I hate too much online conversations, as you can easily mistake what someone is saying by not hearing their tone of voice and their actual words.

Many cinephiles may feel that silent films are the best, but I need noise.

4.20.10 – Shadows of the Past

Lately I’ve felt like I’m getting another chance at my life, but it also feels like chasing the shadows of my past – who I planned to be, what I planned to do, and how I planned to live. Trying to take hold of the shadows can be very trying some times.

4.19.10 – Glimpses of Life

I saw the film Visual Acoustics yesterday, which documented the life of architectural photographer, Julius Shulman. I’ve always loved his photographs, even before I knew his name. When I was in college and grad school I thought about going into architecture, but then I realized it wasn’t that I drawn to buildings, rather, I was drawn to the photographs of buildings. I’d fantasize about what it was like to live in those homes, especially the modern homes that Shulman photographed. It was a surprise to hear in the movie that he would bring his family’s own furniture to use in the shots to make the homes (that weren’t yet inhabited) look like they were lived in. I suppose in some ways it makes those buildings even more his, as he chose the furniture and their placement. It’s always interesting to glimpse into another person’s home/life.

4.18.10 – Through dark tinted windows

I used to joke that I preferred to view nature through a window from within a climate-controlled room. I found something better – looking through the tinted glass of a car. It intensifies the colors like a dye transfer color photograph.

4.17.10 – Trying to Purge

As much of a hassle as it’s been dealing with the painting in my apartment after the water damage, I think it happened at a good time. I was on a very dangerous path of a hoarder. I cannot even describe the volume and variety of items in my apartment. Obviously there are an obscene amount of books, photos, and movies, but also all kinds of other assorted things that I’d find in thrift shops and think I might make into something else or use at some point. The urge to create was very strong especially when I was trying to stifle it, which was when the greatest accumulation of crap began.

Well, it’s time some of it went away, but it’s very hard to let go. I keep thinking back to a Japanese movie I saw several years ago – Tony Takitani – about an illustrator whose wife is an obsessive shopper. He tries to gently get her to get rid of some of the clothes, as there is no more room. She returns an outfit that she’s just bought, but changes her mind after she gets into her car. She ends up being killed in a car accident trying to go back to the store. Thinking about to this movie caused me to not turn my car around and go back and get my fake white Christmas tree from Goodwill.

4.16.10 – Au revoir mon Toyota

Today I sold my Toyota Celica (my multi-accident car) and acquired a Honda Civic. This was long overdue, but I was a bit sad yesterday and this morning, thinking about it being my last trips in a car that I had had for a long time. Change can be hard. Still, the Civic is newer and is much more comfortable for my back. Now with it and my newly painted apartment, I feel I’m starting fresh again.

4.15.10 – Are you looking at me?

Like most women, I’m a bit insecure about how I look. As I discovered in my recent apartment chaos, I have a wide range of sizes of clothes due to the wide range of sizes I’m been over the years. I recall when I lost quite a bit of weight years ago, it first felt good having men look at me again, then after a while it became uncomfortable. I’m in the process of losing weight again after the gain due to mobility and pain issues with the car accidents, but this time I think I’m past being concerned about the looks and what they mean.

4.14.10 – Echo

There’s a very strange echo in my apartment right now, or at least in certain rooms. I’ve had to move my immense clutter into other rooms (like my bedroom) in order to free up rooms to be painted. I find I really like the echo and am wondering if I can possibly force myself to relinquish enough stuff to keep it.

4.13.10 – Equal Opportunity

I was killing time at the Campbell County library this morning, after fleeing my apartment due to the painter’s arrival (hopefully just one more day), before my physical therapy appointment and work. I was perusing the new books when I stumbled across the Sarah Palin one, which didn’t surprise me, as this area is a bit conservative. What did surprise me was the book right next to it. No, I did not place it there, but someone at the library either had a sense of humor or felt the need to be fair and balanced.

4.12.10 – Ring that bell

I pass by the World Peace Bell in Newport, Kentucky all the time, yet it still puzzles me. It was supposed to be a tourist attraction, as it is the world’s largest bell, but, not surprisingly, throngs are not massing in front of this enormous bell. Typically on Friday evenings groups hold up signs protesting the war, but that’s usually the largest crowd I’ve seen there.

City governments and prominent individuals are always trying to come up with big concepts and big stores to bring people to the area, yet rarely do they work out. Maybe if they could just make the cities livable, people would want to be here.

4.11.10 – Superiority Victimhood

I’ve been watching a bit of daytime television lately, and as I’ve gotten rid of all but basic cable, my choices are limited. What I end up viewing is quite perplexing. People tend to think they are superior in so many ways, but then want so much to be victims, or at least nobodies, when the need suits them.

4.10.10 – Still hiding out

I’m still hiding out from the paint fumes today. I did go home last night, not long after posting my blog entry, and there were fumes, but manageable. It was beginning to die down today, but it seemed safer to run lots of errands and get some work done.

I’ve been staring out the window of our break room, wondering when the patrons of the next-door strip club will arrive. It’s probably best to be gone before they do get here.

4.9.10 -- Barricade

I’m still at work, not because I want to be, even though there is work to be done. I’m here because I’m a bit afraid to go home and not up for company or socializing. While I am excited to have my new colorful apartment, I found out last night that zero VOC paint with low fumes, still smells like paint, and still makes my lips swell up and makes me feel itchy.

More paint is being used today, as the walls in the dining room and bathroom need another coat and the kitchen is also being painted. Sigh…

The one plus to this paint is that it doesn’t spread throughout the entire apartment like other paints, so I may be hiding out in my bedroom tonight (which luckily will not be painted).

4.8.10 – Sun-catchers

I almost forgot during the winter how beautiful the sun and shadows can make everything look.

4.7.10 – Larger Life

Due to the water damage in my apartment from the recent snowstorms, I’m getting fresh paint in parts of the place. I managed to persuade the landlord to let me have some color, which I’m very excited about and think it will lift my mood quite a bit. Of course I suddenly realized today that with new paint, I really have to get rid of all the clutter. I had been content to live with the dingy off-white walls and a dingy off-white life for far too long. It’s time for a larger and brighter life.

4.6.10 – Rest

I am in great need for rest and some peace and quiet.

4.5.10 – To be happy or not to be happy, that is the question

A friend of mine has complained at times about having to sit through my “depressing movies” and tried to get me to take part in an art installation on Saturday that required cuddling someone I didn’t know. He said it would make me feel better, as he felt I was depressed. Somehow I just couldn’t do it, even though the cuddling partner was the brother of another friend and seemed harmless enough.

This morning I caught part of Dr. Oz on television while the repairman was working on my water-stained wall in my office. The episode dealt with happiness and discussed the Oxford quiz on happiness. Dr. Oz then worked with a woman who scored particularly low on this quiz. It made me wonder whether I truly was depressed or at least unhappy. Well, according to this quiz I fall right in between – not good, but not bad either. I suppose these days that’s probably better than most. Take the quiz yourself and see where you fall.

4.4.10 – Candy-colored sky

Just a few more nice days and a little more vitamin D and I may begin to believe the sky is pink.

4.3.10 – Going Over

I have some photographer friends who’ve taken pictures while driving, but I’ve never dared do it. Recently a fellow blogger did a video on bicycle that prompted me to film while my favorite bridge is still open. I’ve never even been able to drive and talk on my cell phone, so this may not have been the best idea, but luckily no accidents occurred while filming.

4.2.10 – Endless Cycle

I feel lately that I’m in this never-ending and repeating cycle.

4.1.10 – You are what you eat?

I found this link yesterday evening on one of the social networking sites' group status updates. It was both fascinating and disturbing.

Most of us are curious about how others live – what books they have, furniture they sit on, and what food they eat. Still, it feels a bit voyeuristic to view into another person’s fridge. I’m not quite sure what mine says, and may not want to know. Yes, that is film taking up the whole bottom shelf.