5.31.10 – Being “bad”

Instead of doing what I said I was going to do today – work – I stayed home, watched two movies, and finished the crime thriller I had been reading. I think the sheer exhaustion of this month hit me and I just needed to stop for a day. Maybe holidays are here for a reason.

p.s. The audio track is part of the I-movie suite, but it was also used in the Jean-Luc Godard film from the 1980s I saw today. Strange.

5.30.10 – Blah

I’m feeling kind of blah today, like ugly carpet. The 87 degrees Fahrenheit temperature I’m sure doesn’t help. I need to think of something other than the crime thriller book I’m reading to perk me up.

5.29.10 – The pluses of being a late bloomer

I watched a documentary this morning on the former child stars who had been in the musical Annie. Some, like Sarah Jessica Parker, have done quite well, but others haven’t been able to stay in the business or achieve that kind of success ever again. You could feel the hurt in some of these women still over things that had happened to them at that young age. One commented that she had felt bewildered realizing that her career had peaked at the age of 10.

I too would have liked to have been Annie when I was a girl, or any other child star I saw on television. I didn’t want to be them, but myself in their lives. It seemed much better than my own life. It was good to see that my frustrations I still fight with over lost years and not pursuing my dreams when I was in my teens or twenties may not have hurt me. Yes, it would have been amazing to be on a film set at that age, but I think I’m far better prepared and in a better state of mind to handle that kind of craziness now than I was then. Maybe being a late bloomer’s not such a bad thing.

5.28.10 – Holidays

One of the drawbacks to the life I’m currently leading – not working full-time at any one place – is that I don’t appreciate holidays, and sometimes even forget about them. When I was full-time and working in jobs I hated, I lived for holidays and vacations. Now I have control of my schedule for the most part, but that means I often work weekends and holidays in order to get things done. I think I’d rather have it the way it is now. I may have appreciated time off more before, but I have more freedom now, which is worth all the holidays put together.

5.27.10 – The New Oldies Station

While I was at my hairdresser’s recently I got hooked on a new radio station, which plays 80s music and beyond (mostly 80s, but some 70s, 90s, and more recent hits). I began to get interested in music during my pre-teens and like most kids that age (back then) listened to the radio. Somehow hearing those songs again flooded me with nostalgia and I ended pulling out a number of the cassette tapes and CDs from that era.

It didn’t hit me until today that this was the new oldies station for people my age (I’ll finally admit it – I’m 40). When I was in high school and college, the oldies station played Elvis and the Beach Boys. Now they play Duran Duran, Styx, Journey, the BeeGees, and even some Michael Jackson and Madonna. The nostalgia was already beginning to bring up the fact of there being way too many years that have gone by of not doing the things I had planned to do and haven’t done yet. Realizing I’m now old enough for an oldies station is a little hard to deal with right now.

5.26.10 – Lights, camera, action?

Things seem to be going my way right now, which is a bit unusual. Finally some things that I’ve been dreaming about for so long are about to happen. Little steps, but still a bit unnerving.

5.25.10 – Seeing through the trees

I think things may be beginning to happen.

5.24.10 – Expectation

Tomorrow’s a big day and I’m trying my best neither to be expectant or, as I’m used to doing, preparing myself for disappointment. I just mostly hope to have what needs to be done tomorrow finished.

5.23.10 – Disconnected Conversation

There have been graffiti artists where I live, not the random taggers, but the ones that the established art world deems artists rather than criminals. One local art institution managed to bring in one of these artists to create murals on donated buildings throughout the tri-state. This interesting public art project unfortunately had one detractor last week when one of the murals was viewed offensive by the building’s owner, who then painted over the piece.

This brought about anger among artists, which ended up in somewhat of an online panel discussion on Facebook. Originally I hadn’t planned on joining this discussion, even though I live pretty much within walking distance of this now removed mural. I seemed to revert back to the learned mentality of constantly having my mother tell me to be quiet whenever I tried to argue with anyone in the family, so she could try to pretend we were a Norman Rockwell picture (as if). Finally after repeatedly hearing both informed and uninformed discussions in the neighborhood (another mural is up even closer to me) I felt the need to respond.

I believe it was a typical situation of false assumptions that went badly awry. Mostly the owner should have made sure he knew what he was getting into and asked to see the piece before it went up. If he didn’t ask, then the art institution would have been better off letting him know in order to be able to stop him from saying what he is saying, that he had no idea what would go up. I certainly don’t want to beat up the art institution having worked at other such places for way too many years and undergone the understaffing, underpaying, and lack of understanding, both internally and externally.

I think what struck me the most in the discussion was one art historian’s view that the art institution wasn’t doing enough to educate the public on the matter. It reminded me so much of what I see every time I turn on the news and hear the polls that show the inordinate amount of people who still believe that there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq or that Barrack Obama isn’t a U.S. citizen. We are living in a world where there is so much easy access to information, yet so many people are choosing not to access it.

I’ve said before that I was the unplanned midlife child, which means my parents are old. My mother grew up with all kinds of false beliefs and information because there was no internet or 24 hour news channels or freedom of information act. What you were told in the paper or on the radio (which everyone read or listened to) was believed. I wonder if it’s the inundating of too much information that has caused so many people to turn off or to only hear bits and pieces of the story and not be interested to hear the whole thing. My views on the Facebook discussion were characterized as the futility of it all, which to a certain extent is correct. If people don’t go to the art center and learn about the artist or read about him online then how can you have a meaningful conversation about the situation? Unfortunately this is become far broader a problem than a painted over mural. If people don’t want to fully participate in the world they live in how can you engage them?

5.22.10 – Discomfort

Due to my allergies, I couldn’t be in my office while the paint fumes were still evident. When I was able to spend some time in there I noticed bulges on the wall, which I assumed was from the compound that had to be applied to the wall that had been damaged by water. I kept thinking more bulges were appearing, but convinced myself I was seeing things. I’ve now had it confirmed that the wall is being damaged again, as my landlords wanted to put off repairing the roof and were hoping fixing the box gutters would suffice. Obviously not.

I keep getting the distinct feeling the universe does not want me to get comfortable, which I was beginning to feel once the painting was finished. I just wish I knew what I’m supposed to do now.

5.21.10 – Stuck in place

I feel I’m continuing to have to fight to get out of the place others have stuck me in. It’s unfortunately natural to view people you know in a certain light and continue to want to see them the same way (i.e. the same style, the same profession, etc.). When I embarked on my early midlife crisis and left my career as a non-profit fundraiser, which I never consciously chose, to become what I always wanted to be – a filmmaker – I came up against resistance that I’m still experiencing.

At the time I made the leap, my therapist told me that I might not be able to maintain all of my friendships, as some of the people would have problems dealing with my changing life. Somehow I convinced myself that she was referring to my “normal” friends, not the artists I knew, assuming artists would understand what I was doing and be happy for me. It ended up being the reverse; many of the artists kept forwarding on fundraising jobs to me or not taking what I was doing seriously. I still feel this way among some of them and have had to let go of a number of what had become toxic relationships. It gets hard continuing to fight to get into the spot I was meant to be in.

5.20.10 – Overwhelm

This week has been fairly overwhelming. Perhaps if I try to view it as something gentler it will seem less scary.

5.19.10 – Cover

Some days (and weeks) you just have to look for cover.

5.18.10 – It will all be okay

If only I could turn off the voice inside my head and listen to this one instead.

5.17.10 – Calming Flow

Something about being near the river and watching the day pass by calms me and, at least temporarily, makes everything okay.

5.16.10 – And the award goes to…

Thursday night I attended the local Blue Chip Cable Access awards, where one of my documentaries was nominated, but did not win. It’s a weird feeling attending such an event. It’s not the Oscars, but there is a great deal of anticipation and tension. Film (and art) is such a subjective medium that it’s always been aggravating to me watching films I loved either not win or not even get nominated for the big prestigious awards.

Of course, as much as I like to say it doesn’t matter, like any other human being, I would have liked to win. I console myself with the words of Philip Glass in the recent American Masters documentary, when he was talking about not getting awards and fellowships others around him were getting, he said that he must not have needed them. As nice as the award would have been, perhaps I really don’t need it either.

Still, I did feel I deserved something for all the hard, and mostly unpaid, work I’ve been doing over these last several years, so I made myself an award.

My documentary on Neusole Glassworks can be viewed here. The talented artists at Neusole definitely deserve an award.

5.15.10 – Audubon and his flower

The Riverwalk area near me has statues of various famous historical figures with connections to the city. Audubon caught my eye on my walk, mostly due to the bright pink flower someone left for him. I’m just glad it wasn’t a dead bird, which would have been more appropriate.

5.14.10 – Hint of Color

Sometimes all you need is just a hint of color to perk you up, at least for me.

4.13.10 -- Worse Places to Be

I'm a bit anxious about the event I'm going to this evening, but I keep reminding myself that there are worse places to be.

5.12. 10 – What I long for

What I long for … right now.

5.11.10 – Waiting for the show to begin

I’ve been watching the bridge near me that’s getting painted to see its progress. Somehow the tarps look more and more like old-time movie screens and I keep wondering when the show will begin.

5.10.10 – Over and Over Again

I’m feeling like I’m repeating the same thing over and over again. It hasn’t worked that well for me so far, so why do I keep doing it?

5.9.10 – City View

As annoyed as I get sometimes that I’m still stuck here in the Cincinnati area, I do like the city view.

5.8.10 – In Living Color

I saw the Cincinnati Ballet’s The Sammy Project this afternoon. The second half of the show was Twyla Tharp’s In the Upper Room with music by Philip Glass, who I love, but what caught me most were the costumes (designed by Norma Kamali). In one segment the female dancers were wearing short fuchsia gowns that, with the smoke machines that were going, produced the strangest effect. The silky fabric’s normal black shadows seemed almost hyper-real. The dresses looked like a fancy cgi effect or hand colored on these figures in the old way it might have been done in film. This whole day I’ve been unable to shake that burst of color. I wish the lighting in my home was better, that I had a smoke machine, and that I had the energy and limberness to show you what I saw and keep seeing.

5.7.10 – Loss of words

I just don’t seem to have anything to say today. I’ll let the movie speak for itself.

5.6.10 – Breaking (Wishful) News

I just got done watching The Yes Men Fix the World. I especially liked the ending where the two guys created an exact replica of The New York Times, but six months in the future and with only positive news. If only we could do that in real life, as I’m really tired of hearing from newscasters about the dangerous bacteria that may be living on my purse.

5.5.10 – One thing done, a million more to go…

My friend’s mother gave me this patio set several years ago. It was already developing rust, which I let get out of control. Every year I’d say I was going to paint it and then winter would be here and the set would get rustier. I finally took care of it over the last two days, although I did a fairly lousy job of it. Of course I really didn’t have time this week to deal with it and ended up getting up early to work on it before work and even took advantage of our faulty motion detector light that instead of coming on when you’re in its path, stays on around the clock. I’m not sure what my neighbors thought of me out painting last night at 10:00. Still, no one would ever hire me as a painter and with my allergies, that’s a good thing. From a distance it doesn’t look too bad. The set is from the 1950s and I think the umbrella from the 1970s (and beginning to look its age).

As much of a hassle as it was to do (and it still needs touch ups that I’m trying to talk myself into doing before I go to bed tonight), it was rewarding to actually have something I’ve been meaning to do for so long finally accomplished.

5.4.10 – The Simple Things

It’s scenes like this – of people lined up to get ice cream on a humid night – that make me think perhaps things will be okay after all if we just remember the simple things.

5.3.10 – Passing Time

Just last week these tulips were beautiful. As much as I find it interesting watching how things change over time, it depresses me too. I see that time is flying and I worry I’ll never achieve the things I want to achieve or see the things I want to see.

5.2.10 – zzzzzz

What is it about rainy Sundays that just make me want to go back to bed?

5.1.10 – Mayday mayday, are you illegal?

I’m increasingly baffled at the political climate and what we choose to fight about. As a white woman, currently with blonde hair, I’m pretty safe from racial profiling. Still, as we are all originally from somewhere else (although my paternal grandmother was Seminole, so I’m partially more native than many) what are we doing?