2.28.10 – Tangled

Sometimes things get all muddled and tangled, and its next to impossible to separate what matters from what doesn’t.

2.27.10 – Life in the Balance

I’m doing my best to find a balance – both in my body and life. Mostly I feel fairly out of balance, in every area.

2.26.10 – Remodeling

This is what the icicles outside left me with on some of my inside walls. On the upside, when the weather is warm enough, I’ll be able to get freshly painted walls, maybe even a color I like. Perhaps all the upheavals I’ve been going through are actually the universe “remodeling” me and everything around me.

2.25.10 – Buried in the Sand

Things are beginning to seem fuzzy to me. Maybe it’s just too much weighing me down. Perhaps if I could dig my way through the sand it would be okay.

2.24.10 – Trying to be brave

I’m going through a lot right now that I’m not really ready to talk about. I’m very reserved, so even having this blog is a huge step for me. Things that I didn’t think would affect me so much are and I don’t seem to know what to do. I know what most people would tell me to do, which is exactly what I don’t want to do for reasons I don’t completely understand. Perhaps if I go through the motions I can see what feels right to do.

2.23.10 – Beginning to Sink In

Over the years I’ve been drawn to various self-help or creativity books, mostly because I was stifling my creativity and felt I was a mess. I’m still a mess, but not as much as I was several years ago. Perhaps some of what I read has finally sunk in.

2.22.10 – Immobile

There are things I really need to do right now, but I can’t seem to do them. Just thinking about them causes me to freeze up and to become fairly engrossed with the passing time.

2.21.10 – Trying to make sense of it all

These are cards and letters that are unopen. I thought I was protecting myself by not opening them and continued to put them in a box, where they grew in size, at least in my mind. It’s interesting how things you put off tend to increase in size in your mind until they seem humongous.

There really isn’t that many of them, yet I still can’t get myself to open them, even though I know I need to.

2.20.10 – Cheer

I’m in great need for cheer right now.

2.19.10 – Memories of Past Days

I remember, both good and bad, past events through food. I remember the excitement of going with my father early on weekend mornings to get Krispy Kreme doughnuts and what I was eating when a boyfriend broke up with me in grad school. Different foods can either cheer me up or add to my sadness.

While homemade fried doughnuts would be slightly more in line with some memories I’m having right now (good luck finding those), the pineapple upside down cake is a close second.

2.18.10 – How Quickly Things Change

For a split second the icicles on my home reminded me of the gingerbread house. They scream winter. There’s a certain majesty about them, at least until they begin to melt. I wish I could present this short film in John Water’s Smell-o-vision. You’ll just have to imagine.

2.17.10 – Staring at the Ceiling

Not much to say today, so let’s just leave it at that.

2.16.10 – Pick-me-up

I am really in need of a pick-me-up right now.

2.15.10 – Belated Valentine

As I’m not currently in a relationship and I was preparing for “snowmageddon” yesterday, I managed to forget it was Valentine’s Day until talking with a friend last night who was complaining about several lanes at the supermarket being reserved for Valentine’s Day items only. I’ve never been that excited by Valentine’s Day, especially the older I get. I’d rather have a man buy me flowers or candy or give me a card because the spirit moved him, not because every retailer is telling him he has to or he’ll be in the doghouse.

The holiday does bring up for me all the craziness of relationships, the wondering what the other person is thinking (often they’re not thinking anything) or trying to find the meaning in little things when there is none. The snow has gotten me back into my movie viewing, luckily. This morning I watched Adam, which is about a man with Asperger’s syndrome (a higher functioning version of autism). There was a strange simplicity to him, which was refreshing, as he couldn’t tell what people were thinking and had to ask. In one scene he commented that he could tell his romantic lead was upset (she was crying), but didn’t know what to do. If only every person could say that in such a situation, to ask the question instead of wondering what was going on, there would be much happier relationships in the world.

2.14.10 – What I’m Wondering About Right Now

I’m wondering about what the 6-9 inches more snow we’re supposed to get tomorrow and cold temperatures will do to my already troubled apartment building. I’m wondering when these “deathcicles” will fall and will I be quick enough to miss their path. I’m wondering if my food is being contaminated as it appears my fridge and freezer are cutting in and out (ice packs really should be solid, not cold liquid). This leads me to wonder why I have stayed as long as I have in my current apartment – going on twelve years now.

I never anticipated staying that long, thinking within a few years I’d be off to New York or London, leading my fabulous dream life. When you don’t make concerted plans to get to the next level or many levels above you tend to not go anywhere. I like the convenience of my apartment’s location and it has a great deal of space (or it would if I weren’t such a pack rat), but the managing landlord seemed to intentionally be letting it disintegrate while the other owners whined about him, but did nothing. Now they’ve bought him out, but nothing seems to have changed. When I moved in I decided the next move would be more than just across the river, but I may need to re-think that.

I watched A Serious Man this morning, and didn’t seem to like it much, but it stuck with me all day. The main character really grated on my nerves. He wasn’t a bad man, but he seemed to be stuck in a rut and really didn’t want to get out of it, and resented having his life unsettled even if some of it could potentially have been a good thing. I wanted so much for him to take action. Maybe that’s how it is with my apartment – everything is here, I’m used to a certain routine and certain stores, but it’s kept me in a rut for far too long, and I need to take action.

2.13.10 – Fleeting Fame

Instead of watching the opening ceremonies of the Olympics last night, I watched Downhill Racer. It’s a film made in the sixties with Robert Redford staring as a small-town guy who’s thrust into the big-time ski world. I think the moment that stuck with me the most is right at the end Redford does the impossible, by seemingly beating the European favorite’s time down the course. His coach, the press, and the fans all surround him and congratulate him until it appears that another skier is about to beat his time. First the coach, then the press and the fans begin moving away from Redford little by little to catch sight of the newer and better star.

2.12.10 – Hibernation

It’s ironic that I’m so annoyed by the recent snowstorms that have altered my schedule and kept me indoors and away from people for part of this week and last, as I have a tendency to hibernate, regardless of the weather. I used to think I was shy, but then came to realize I was reserved, which is quite different. This reserve, which had been my protection against my family and the rest of the world, can act as quite a barrier. The only problem is when you try to get close to someone those barriers don’t easily come down.

2.11.10 – Wishes

If given a magic jar, what would you wish for? It seems every day I want something different, which is maybe why I rarely get what I want. I do know what I don’t wish for – it’s a four-letter word very similar to slow.

2.10.10 – Ugh

There’s really only one word to say about the current situation – ugh!

2.9.10 – Winter, I am so over you

It may be a surprise, as I was born and raised in Florida, but I do like the beginnings of winter. I like sweaters and coats, and the crispness to the air. I do NOT like snow and ice, and I can’t imagine I ever will. Two snow storms in a row, without a chance of the previous snow melting, is a bit much. I’m ready for spring – right now!

2.8.10 – Countdown…again

We just experienced a snowstorm last Friday into Saturday, and haven’t even gotten rid of that snow, when they’re predicting another 4-6 inches beginning tonight through Wednesday. This may not sound like a lot compared to the Atlantic states, but it’s a lot for us.

I am so sick of winter. The most annoying thing is the countdown to the storm. Due to the accidents, I now know when changes in weather are coming before it’s mentioned on television, so to have to deal with the insanity of having to then race out to get everything you need or have to get done before it hits is even more aggravating. I had a nightmare last night that a groundhog got into my home and I was trying to get away from it. There had been one living on the property, but I haven’t seen it in some time. I wish it would make peace with its shadow already.

2.7.10 – Comfort

I don’t know whether it’s the accident, the winter weather, or some other hormonal issue, but I’ve been craving comfort lately. Butter, fattening comfort food, and curling up under the covers.

2.6.10 – Snow, Fairy Dust, and Andy

Thankfully we didn’t get the amount of snow predicted, but it’s still white and icy. Out of fear of getting stuck or in another accident, I stayed home last night instead of going to an art opening. As there is still a large patch of ice separating me from my car, I’m thinking about missing several more tonight.

This caused me to be in need of some art of my own today, which my good friend Andy helped with.

2.5.10 – Swimming with the Fishes

I was born and raised in Florida. In fact, I didn’t even leave the state until I was almost eighteen. This isn’t to say I liked it there. I don’t swim, play golf or tennis, I don’t tan, and I didn’t like my family who lived there. Florida was not meant for me.

Of course, today, waiting for the snow to hit, hoping that the news media was, as usual, blowing things out of proportion, made me long for the relative simplicity of Florida. I may not have liked living there, but you didn’t have to worry about not being able to get out to do things because of snow. Hurricanes maybe, but not snow.

2.4.10 – Taking a Rest

We’re preparing for another round of “white death” here in the Cincinnati area. People outside the region can’t fathom how insane residents get when snow hits this part of the country. It’s as though they have never seen snow and ice before, even though we get it at least a few times a year.

The last burst hit almost a month ago. I ended up doing umpteen things in my home instead of resting, which I think began to irritate my back and made me weaker. I don’t want that again, so I’ve decided I will lie on the couch and read and enjoy the needed respite.

2.3.10 – Going in All Directions

Today was one of those days. I’m sure you’ve had them, where everything is due and you are stretched in all different directions. It was not as lovely as these pink tulips, but perhaps if I stare at them for a while I’ll forget the day.

2.2.10 – Addiction

The Oscar nominations came out today. For a film addict like myself it should be an exciting day, yet I find I’ve been far less than excited about most of the recent films this past year. I managed to completely forget to watch the Golden Globes and wasn’t very upset about it, as I hadn’t seen most of the film.

I still watch a great deal of films, an extremely wide and perplexing variety, but rarely new films these days. I usually think about it; then decide to save the money and wait for them to hit DVD so I can check them out at the library. Libraries have been a lifesaver during these hard economic times, at least for me. At my local library, the librarians go get my holds as soon as they see me enter, which is a true sign of addiction, that, and getting excited when they raised the limit as far as how many movies you can check out at one time.

This is just a sampling of what I have this week. Next week will look completely different.

2.1.10 – Blue Skies

I’m not excited about the anticipated snow this weekend, but at least today we had blue skies.