12.14.10 – Max

I just found out one of my friend’s cats passed away last month. While that may seem to be a non-event to some, I’m very sad. He was my favorite cat and quite probably one of my favorite people. Max was lovely in every respect. When I needed a fictional fiancée for some spy work for my day-job, it seemed only natural to choose Max (of course that could be a response to the not-so-lovely men I’ve been attracted to and attracted over the years).

I think I’m also sad since this is a reminder (as if I needed one) that all things end. He’d been declining for a while, but as I saw him infrequently, for no good reason now that I think of it, in my mind he always seemed full of vibrancy and intensity. My out of sight out of mind attitude has helped me through a lot, but it doesn’t always produce the result I want.

Just today I had someone mention the disbelief that it will be 2011 in a few weeks. Normally the passing of the old year would depress me, serving as a reminder of the few things I accomplished this year that I had wanted to. Now, after so much unpleasantness this year, perhaps a new year and new slate will help. Maybe I can even channel some of Max’s intensity and his air of authority.

Photos by Howard Wells

http://daniaeliot.blogspot.com/

12.2.10 – Unexpected Package

When I checked my mail last night upon arriving home there was a package. I hadn’t ordered anything, and as I received a package last week outside my door for my neighbor, I assumed this must also be for her, except my name was on it and it was from Tampa. Bringing it inside I was tempted to leave it for later as I had plans last night, but I was curious. Then my insane paranoia hit and I started thinking it could be a mail bomb, but by that time the scissors were in my hand. As soon as I had the flap open I saw photos of myself as a child. I was right – it was a mail bomb, but of the emotional sort.

I immediately went through the whole box, scattering the images all over my couch. I was horrified that my sister had just literally dumped the images in a box and sent them to me, not even bothering to place the smaller images in a shoebox or bag, but then my siblings always were careless. I’m not sure if it was the carelessness or having my past show up out of nowhere that caused me to cry uncontrollably for what seemed forever. After I got myself together again, I went out and did my best to forget about the pictures, at least until I got home and saw them staring back at me on couch and then started crying again.

It’s strange, a number of the images I have no recollection of, and others seem different than what I remembered. It makes me think back to a documentary on Vik Muniz, who did a series of drawings on famous photographs. It wasn’t until you saw the drawing and photograph side by side that you noticed the differences and how the mind changes things. Mostly I keep noticing how disheveled I looked as a child, and wonder whether it was due to my own strong will or my mother’s depression.

Many of the images have faded or were damaged from being removed from pre-acid-free photo albums. Still, it’s nice to finally have them back and be able to look at them again. I remember last year feeling very sad when you were supposed to put up a picture of yourself as a child on Facebook and I couldn’t, as I didn’t have any. Well, I’ve put one up now, belatedly.

http://daniaeliot.blogspot.com/