A Movie a Day

Camping In

2011-07-09T15:51:00.000-04:00

Camping -- the way it was meant to be, with all the comforts of home.

7.1.11 – Trying desperately to read the tea leaves

2011-07-01T13:26:00.000-04:00

http://daniaeliot.blogspot.com/

6.3.11 – Tiara Fireworks

2011-06-05T15:27:00.000-04:00

I wasn't that crazy about the so-called Tiara building (now the Great American Building) at first, but it's growing on me. The fireworks look particularly good behind it. I just wish I would have filmed Kent's cat who kept crying, looking up, thinking it was the noisy neighbors, and then would cry at me with an expression like "can't you stop this." The Reds lost yesterday, so she had a peaceful night.

http://daniaeliot.blogspot.com/

6.3.11 – CraterCincinnati

2011-06-03T13:50:00.001-04:00

Ohio voted to allow casinos, after being urged that they shouldn't let their money go to Indiana -- the closest state with gaming. Cincinnati's proposed casino was slated to open across the street from my boyfriend's condo. Neither of us was excited about it. I was especially concerned about increased traffic, less parking, and more crime, but thanks to Ohio's Republican governor, it looks like I don't have to worry anymore. Governor Kasich decided that Ohio got a bad deal with the casino owners and wants to renegotiate things. Well, this has caused the developers to stop construction, not order steel, and now to remove their crane. All that's left is their Christo-esque black fabric draping and a huge crater in a former parking lot.

It is a bit ironic that this is being caused by a Republican when Republicans in Washington keep saying we shouldn't increase taxes on businesses because that stops growth. Hmmmm…..

http://daniaeliot.blogspot.com/

3.2.11

2011-03-02T11:28:00.000-05:00

12.14.10 – Max

2010-12-14T23:23:00.000-05:00

I just found out one of my friend’s cats passed away last month. While that may seem to be a non-event to some, I’m very sad. He was my favorite cat and quite probably one of my favorite people. Max was lovely in every respect. When I needed a fictional fiancée for some spy work for my day-job, it seemed only natural to choose Max (of course that could be a response to the not-so-lovely men I’ve been attracted to and attracted over the years).

I think I’m also sad since this is a reminder (as if I needed one) that all things end. He’d been declining for a while, but as I saw him infrequently, for no good reason now that I think of it, in my mind he always seemed full of vibrancy and intensity. My out of sight out of mind attitude has helped me through a lot, but it doesn’t always produce the result I want.

Just today I had someone mention the disbelief that it will be 2011 in a few weeks. Normally the passing of the old year would depress me, serving as a reminder of the few things I accomplished this year that I had wanted to. Now, after so much unpleasantness this year, perhaps a new year and new slate will help. Maybe I can even channel some of Max’s intensity and his air of authority.

Photos by Howard Wells

http://daniaeliot.blogspot.com/

12.2.10 – Unexpected Package

2010-12-02T12:01:00.000-05:00

When I checked my mail last night upon arriving home there was a package. I hadn’t ordered anything, and as I received a package last week outside my door for my neighbor, I assumed this must also be for her, except my name was on it and it was from Tampa. Bringing it inside I was tempted to leave it for later as I had plans last night, but I was curious. Then my insane paranoia hit and I started thinking it could be a mail bomb, but by that time the scissors were in my hand. As soon as I had the flap open I saw photos of myself as a child. I was right – it was a mail bomb, but of the emotional sort.

I immediately went through the whole box, scattering the images all over my couch. I was horrified that my sister had just literally dumped the images in a box and sent them to me, not even bothering to place the smaller images in a shoebox or bag, but then my siblings always were careless. I’m not sure if it was the carelessness or having my past show up out of nowhere that caused me to cry uncontrollably for what seemed forever. After I got myself together again, I went out and did my best to forget about the pictures, at least until I got home and saw them staring back at me on couch and then started crying again.

It’s strange, a number of the images I have no recollection of, and others seem different than what I remembered. It makes me think back to a documentary on Vik Muniz, who did a series of drawings on famous photographs. It wasn’t until you saw the drawing and photograph side by side that you noticed the differences and how the mind changes things. Mostly I keep noticing how disheveled I looked as a child, and wonder whether it was due to my own strong will or my mother’s depression.

Many of the images have faded or were damaged from being removed from pre-acid-free photo albums. Still, it’s nice to finally have them back and be able to look at them again. I remember last year feeling very sad when you were supposed to put up a picture of yourself as a child on Facebook and I couldn’t, as I didn’t have any. Well, I’ve put one up now, belatedly.

http://daniaeliot.blogspot.com/

11.1.10 – Get Out the Vote

2010-11-01T12:34:00.000-04:00

I'm still on hiatus from A Movie a Day, but felt I needed to comment further on our upcoming election.

Tomorrow is Election Day here in the U.S. It's not a presidential year, but, in some ways, is more important. My friend's mother, who I couldn't get to vote in 2008 because she thought it was a done-deal, is voting tomorrow, and said she thought it was one of the most important elections of her life.

While I am trying to remain optimistic, if you watch enough political ads (there are no regular commercials right now) and listen to the pundits, it seems it could be a very bad day if you are liberal like me. Luckily I have plotted my day out. I will be voting early and then working from home. I will have the afternoon off to go to my hairdresser, where the chemicals used will slightly disorient me for the rest of the day. Thanks to my trip to Frankfort this past weekend, I have an ample supply of chocolate to console me if things go badly. Of course if things go badly, there really won't be enough chocolate to get us all through the next two years, but I guess we'll deal with that later.

http://daniaeliot.blogspot.com/

10.7.10 – Gone Fishin'

2010-10-07T22:57:00.000-04:00

I'm feeling a bit depleted these days and really need to recharge my batteries, so I am going to stop the every day blog for a while (I did complete a full year without missing any days, so there). Recently I've been feeling the call to get out and about. I can't quite afford the around the world trip I'd like, but did have to admit the other night that Greater Cincinnati/Northern Kentucky is really not that far from other places of interest.

I stayed up until nearing 1:00 in the morning last Saturday looking up on Mapquest to see how far I was from other cities. It was a bit surprising, but it made me decide to see about taking some day trips and maybe a few longer ones, which might be the stimulus I need right now.

Since I don't plan on this occurring daily, I've set up another blog: http://daniaeliot.blogspot.com/, so please travel with me.

http://daniaeliot.blogspot.com/

10.6.10 – The political ad I'd like to see air

2010-10-06T23:37:00.001-04:00

It's gotten to where I really can't watch tv anymore, which may be a good thing. Shows I would normally watch on tv, I'm now catching online just so I don't have to sit through countless political ads (most of which are nothing but bullsh*t). In the morning, while watching the news, I sit with the remote on my lap so I can mute or switch the channel quickly. I will be so glad, for better or worse, when the elections are over.

10.5.10 – Round and round we go

2010-10-05T22:50:00.000-04:00

I try my best not to let things get to me, but some days, and some things, just have their way of sending me over the edge. I just keep thinking there is completion and something happens to let me know that that is not the case.

10.4.10

2010-10-04T23:09:00.000-04:00

10.3.10 – Downtown

2010-10-03T23:47:00.000-04:00

10.2.10 – Blinded by the light

2010-10-02T23:37:00.000-04:00

10.1.10 – Feeling stuck again

2010-10-01T23:49:00.000-04:00

I had decided to continue the blog, even past year end, until I figured out something else productive to keep me busy. I may need to rethink that, as I'm feeling more and more in a rut and more and more annoyed trying to come up with a daily movie. Doing the movies each day had helped get me out of the rut, but not now.

9.30.10

2010-09-30T23:36:00.000-04:00

9.29.10 – Yum

2010-09-29T22:51:00.000-04:00

9.28.10

2010-09-28T23:22:00.000-04:00

9.27.10 – Longing for travel

2010-09-27T23:20:00.000-04:00

9.26.10

2010-09-26T22:58:00.000-04:00

9.25.10 – Fall Arrivals

2010-09-25T21:37:00.000-04:00

9.24.10

2010-09-24T23:33:00.000-04:00

9.23.10

2010-09-23T21:37:00.000-04:00

9.22.10

2010-09-22T23:33:00.000-04:00

9.21.10 – Taking it all back

2010-09-21T23:06:00.001-04:00

Recently I saw a bumper sticker that said, Taking Back the Country. At first I was a bit confused about what that was about until I noticed all the Republican candidate stickers sharing space on the oversized SUV. Paul Krugman in the New York Times recently wrote about "the Angry Rich." Just before I began this blog entry, I received an email from Bold Progressives, quoting Senator Mitch McConnell, who is unfortunately my senator, that millionaires and those making a yearly income of $250,000 or more are the ones "who've been hit hardest by this recession." Gosh, let me cry a river for them.

I worked for a long time as a non-profit fundraiser and had to hear "the rich man's plight" many a time. I knew one donor who constantly complained about the cost of upkeep for his 10,000 rose bushes. By the end of my tenure, I was at the point of telling him to pull them out if they're too expensive.

Everyday I see more and more people on the street begging for money and standing in line outside churches for food. I just can't understand how a person in this country -- their country -- can be so isolated to what's happening, and so callous. If you're already a billionaire, or even a millionaire, can you really not afford to pay an additional 1-2% in taxes? Can't you do what the rest of us are doing and put off buying a private island until next year?

9.20.10

2010-09-20T23:27:00.000-04:00

9.19.10

2010-09-19T23:09:00.000-04:00

9.18.10

2010-09-18T22:52:00.000-04:00

9.17.10

2010-09-17T23:03:00.000-04:00

9.16.10 – Getting back on track

2010-09-16T23:33:00.000-04:00

9.15.10 – Purple Haze

2010-09-15T22:51:00.000-04:00

9.14.10 – Lead or follow

2010-09-14T22:58:00.000-04:00

If you have at least the smallest amount of consciousness and humanity, and watch the news or read the papers these days, you can't help but be depressed. It seems as if we've finally gotten ourselves in such a mess that no one will be able to get us out. Some of the documentaries I've been watching haven't helped change this mindset, until this evening.

I watched Fuel, which started out, as you'd expect, a bit depressing by focusing on all the contamination of Louisiana over the years from oil production and then continuing with the Iraq war. Yet even with all that horrible news, including all the brouhaha over ethanol and biofuels not being what they're cracked out to be (as if petroleum is?!!??), the filmed ended with a great feeling of positive belief that we can crack this problem. I'm suddenly wondering if I should trade in my Honda for a diesel car.

I think the most important line for me in the film, was Gandhi's quote: "If the people lead, the leaders will follow." It's pretty obvious the oil companies, the auto industry, and government are not going to do the right thing because it's the right thing; they're going to do it because the people make them do it.

9.13.10

2010-09-13T22:12:00.000-04:00

9.12.10 – Raw food diet or pizza?

2010-09-12T23:30:00.000-04:00

Decisions, decisions, decisions...

9.11.10 – Something's burning

2010-09-11T23:15:00.000-04:00

I know that living in a so-called democracy means having to put up with a lot of stupid people saying and doing a lot of stupid things. When it causes other people in the world to hate us more or think we're all isolationist idiots, it makes me wonder what our founding fathers would think.

9.10.10 – Inflammation

2010-09-10T22:40:00.000-04:00

9.9.10

2010-09-09T23:30:00.000-04:00

9.8.10 – 365

2010-09-08T23:37:00.000-04:00

This is the 365th blog/film I've made. I'm a bit amazed that I didn't miss one day since I began on September 9, 2009 with this project. It was tempting on more than one occasion, but knowing I needed to make a film each day also kept me from dwelling too much on things that aren't helpful.

I would have liked to have created a spectacle for this special number, but my energy is a bit low presently. It also seemed to make sense to revisit the beginning. I still wish that life was like an editing bay – being able to quickly and easily cut out parts that I don't like or are boring, and being able to enhance other areas with the click of a mouse. Ahh…if only.

9.7.10

2010-09-07T23:25:00.000-04:00

9.6.10

2010-09-06T23:08:00.000-04:00

9.5.10 – Fireworks

2010-09-05T23:59:00.002-04:00

Tomorrow is Labor Day here in America (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Labor_day) and in my part of the country fireworks are held the evening before. I live right in the path of the fireworks, in fact this video was shot looking out my bedroom window. This is both good and bad, as I have a front row seat to the show, but over the years I've discovered, due to traffic and street closures, I can't go anywhere on fireworks day (at least not if I want to come home before morning). Still, at least I didn't have to drive round and round and be yelled at by parking attendants that the lots were full.

9.4.10 – Waving the flag

2010-09-04T22:56:00.000-04:00

It gets more and more irritating and just plain sad to watch what's done by people in this country claiming these things are being done to protect our freedom and way of life. Those same people always wear flag pins and proclaim themselves proud Americans, but what they do usually makes me ashamed. I remember being in Denmark not long after the Iraq war began and being so relieved when I was mistaken for being British, even though Tony Blair certainly played his role in the war. I had such great hopes that when Barack Obama took office things would be completely different (a state of the union address claiming that the combat in Iraq is ended doesn't change the fact that our soldiers are still there). It was a wishful dream. Maybe something good really will happen in the next two years. I'll keep on wishing.

9.3.10

2010-09-03T22:56:00.000-04:00

9.2.10

2010-09-02T22:54:00.000-04:00

9.1.10 – Self portrait

2010-09-01T21:34:00.000-04:00

8.31.10 – Taking in the view

2010-08-31T22:22:00.000-04:00

8.30.10 – Quiet

2010-08-30T22:19:00.000-04:00

8.29.10

2010-08-29T19:52:00.000-04:00

8.28.10 – Would it work?

2010-08-28T23:06:00.000-04:00

Desperation (or delirium) is making me wonder if sprinkling holy water around my apartment would take away the mold smell.

8.27.10

2010-08-27T23:15:00.000-04:00

8.26.10 – Wishing for better times…

2010-08-26T22:05:00.002-04:00

…like when I can afford to see something other than America. (Click on date title rather than the arrow, as Blogger is having problems and not playing the audio)

8.25.10

2010-08-25T22:30:00.000-04:00

8.24.10

2010-08-24T20:43:00.000-04:00

8.23.10

2010-08-23T23:21:00.000-04:00

8.22.10

2010-08-22T23:29:00.000-04:00

8.21.10 – Second time around

2010-08-21T23:26:00.000-04:00

Once again I'm dealing with water damage. Hopefully the handyman will be here in the morning, which will cause me to have to flee. As bad as the mold and mildew smell is, the paint fumes, at least for me, are just as dangerous. Fingers crossed second time is the charm with this issue.

8.20.10 -- No End in Sight

2010-08-20T19:08:00.001-04:00

Like many Americans, I was appalled by the catastrophic ineptitude of the Iraq war, and after watching and reading too much in the media, tuned out to most of the movies and documentaries that have come out. Lately I've begun watching these films and reading the books. I'm not really sure why. While those that have come forward to speak the truth may give more indictments of the Bush administration, it doesn't change anything or help the mess we're in. It hasn't stopped any of these past officials (i.e. war criminals) from acquiring high paying jobs and getting paid thousands of dollars to speak at dinners. None of them are in jail and probably never will receive what anyone would feel to be justice.

I just hope there is an end to all this, that doesn't involve all of our ending, and that it happens during my lifetime.

8.19.10 – Road Work Ahead

2010-08-19T22:07:00.000-04:00

While I'm a bit annoyed at all the road construction going on, I am glad there are people getting work out of it. There's a commercial that's just started airing here stating the Stimulus was nothing but Pork Spending, citing that some of the funds went to pay for road and sidewalk work in Hollywood.

What's forgotten about is that the celebrities didn't work the jackhammers and the cement and asphalt truck -- average people that need work did. When will people realize they are being manipulated?

8.18.10

2010-08-18T14:53:00.000-04:00

8.17.10

2010-08-17T19:36:00.000-04:00

8.16.10

2010-08-16T19:42:00.000-04:00

8.15.10 – Invasion

2010-08-15T21:32:00.000-04:00

8.14.10 – Day at the library

2010-08-14T20:35:00.000-04:00

8.13.10

2010-08-13T19:47:00.000-04:00

8.12.10

2010-08-12T21:09:00.000-04:00

8.11.10 – Thinking of better times

2010-08-11T23:14:00.000-04:00

8.10.10 – Supplies

2010-08-10T23:17:00.000-04:00

I do like this time of year (even though we are continuing to experience heat emergencies) due to all the school supplies everywhere you turn. It makes me think of fresh starts and inspires me to begin the work.

8.9.10 – Undivine intervention

2010-08-09T23:06:00.001-04:00

At times it would be nice to have divine intervention come in and save me, but, since I don't believe in it, I guess I'll have to find another way.

8.8.10 – Ah, Monday…

2010-08-08T23:20:00.001-04:00

Monday always seems to come way too soon.

8.7.10 – Insight

2010-08-07T23:46:00.000-04:00

This will be the 333rd blog entry/short film, so I’m just about a month shy of finishing this one-a-day project. Lately I haven’t felt I’ve been putting my all into it each day. Being sick didn’t help, but I’m still feeling distracted since my mother’s passing last month. I think besides dredging up a lot of bad memories, it reminded me that I’m still not doing what I want to be doing. I’m trying, and I’m a lot farther along than I was several years ago when I was acting at being a fundraising.

It was so important to me to not turn into my parents or siblings that I ended up trying to become the polar opposite, which really wasn’t who I am. I’m not going to whine about it like on daytime television. I was an adult. No one made me do the things I did or take the jobs I did or pass up on the opportunities that I did. Of course taking the long way probably, and more definitively, made me realize who I am, what I want to do, and what I want in my life than if I had chosen the correct path at a younger age.

I’m hoping this insight leads to some actual work getting done soon.

8.6.10 – Constantly looking for the swirl

2010-08-06T22:04:00.000-04:00

8.5.10

2010-08-05T21:55:00.000-04:00

8.4.10 – The underbelly

2010-08-04T23:43:00.000-04:00

I grew up with a highway overpass behind my house, which is probably why I can sleep through anything. It’s always so odd seeing the highway’s underbelly instead of actually being on top of it. It’s like you’re seeing something strange and foreign, something you’re not supposed to see.

8.3.10 – Looking for the stars

2010-08-03T23:00:00.000-04:00

8.2.10 – Bumpy ride into town

2010-08-02T23:54:00.000-04:00

8.1.10 – The End?

2010-08-01T22:45:00.000-04:00

Over these past several days, I’ve done what I always do when I'm sick – watch television and movies. I find it’s difficult reading a book when you’re constantly wiping your nose or sneezing.

One of the films I watched was Collapse, which was a documentary focusing on Michael Ruppert, a journalist who’s been trying for years to blow the whistle on the world with what was going on with peak oil and its related issue – the economy. I can’t remember the last time I’ve felt that depressed after watching a movie. Somehow hearing how much worse everything is going to get and that we need to start saving seeds that hadn’t been chemically altered and grow food to eat was not really what you want to hear anytime, especially when you’re sick. Still, a great deal of what was said made a lot of sense and made me really angry. I think a lot people have seen the dangerous course we’ve been on and haven’t done anything about it, just hoping they’d get their big payoff in the end or make it out unscathed. I wonder if anyone’s going to make it out unscathed. Mostly it makes me more upset that I haven’t traveled much or done the things I wanted to do when there was a better chance to do it.

7.31.10 – End of the month

2010-07-31T23:26:00.000-04:00

I'm so very glad this month is now nearly over.

7.30.10 – Cooling Off

2010-07-30T22:47:00.000-04:00

It’s beginning to cool off – both literally and figuratively. Now if I can just get back to what I need to do maybe it will all be okay.

7.29.10 – Timing

2010-07-29T22:40:00.000-04:00

Luckily this time around being sick the symptoms didn’t overwhelm me all at once, as they usually do, so I was able to make it to the store and prepare for the ordeal. Leaning my head back doesn’t hurt today, so I’ll take that as a good sign.

7.28.10 – Head erupting

2010-07-28T23:05:00.000-04:00

I’ve been trying to ignore the symptoms that I’ve been experiencing for the last few days – sore ears, pain in the jaw and back teeth, headaches, sinus pressure, etc. I am getting sick. I’m not sure if it’s allergies (the air quality is awful), the mildew building up on my walls due to the recent water damage that has yet to be dealt with (thank you unfeeling landlords), a cold or sinus infection, or the build up of everything that has happened this month (definitely an emotional overload to my system).

I’ve taken a Sudafed and have been chewing away on vitamin C tablets all evening, hoping to nip it in the bud or at cause my head, which right now feels like it’s in a vice, to gently let go of its fluids.

7.27.10 – Persistent distraction

2010-07-27T22:41:00.000-04:00

The littlest things tend to fester, becoming mountains, and then cause us to be distracted from what really matters.

7.26.10 – The foggy haze of Mondays

2010-07-26T22:46:00.000-04:00

7.25.10 – Popular libraries

2010-07-25T23:22:00.000-04:00

I heard on NPR that the new popular trend looks to be public libraries. I’ve never been one to wait for or follow trends, but this one I’m happy about, especially upon hearing that Amazon is now selling more digital copies of books then “real” ones. Nothing really compares to the weight of holding a book in your hand and actually turning the pages (yes, I have seen the iPad, and it doesn’t compare).

I’ve always loved libraries and felt safe there. You never know what you’re going to come across, even now with the library catalogues online there’s still discoveries to be made. I also love the self-checkout.

7.24.10 – WTF?!?!

2010-07-24T23:29:00.000-04:00

I read Paul Krugman’s recent article last night (probably why I had trouble getting to sleep) about how Republicans have always loved George W. Bush and his policies, but hated his low approval rating (I was a non-profit fundraiser when he was running for the presidency and having to hear from local Republicans who seemed giddy that the “jock” took time to shake their “geeky” hand – high school day dramas repeating over and over again). In an unbelievable way the GOP are apparently trying to revise history in order to paint Bush (and themselves) as the hero instead of the villain. Around the section of the article where the GOP pundits are trying to say that the Bush years were years of “vibrancy” caused me to think WTF?!?!. There are many words to describe the George W. Bush presidency, but vibrant would not be one of them.

What’s really scary is that they just might get away with it. I can’t go to the gym, or most any public place with a television set, and not experience Fox News blaring away (i.e. GOP Propaganda Central). Bush showed time and time again that if you repeat the same monosyllable phrase enough times, enough people will believe it no matter how false it may be.

The insane part is that in no time in our history have we been so able to access so much information. We don’t have to wait for the 6:00 o'clock news or the morning paper, we can go online and read blogger entries from Iran or countless other countries. Yet how many people actually do this? People are losing their jobs because of posting, what their employers’ view as, unprofessional photos on Facebook pages, so someone is doing some research.

Now if enough people can remember that George W. Bush was president when the U.S. invaded Afghanistan and Iraq, that the TARP bailouts came under his watch, and that he came in with a surplus economy and left us with a huge deficit we might be okay. Please, remember this.

7.23.10 – Waiting for twilight

2010-07-23T20:50:00.000-04:00

7.22.10 – Storm coming

2010-07-22T19:29:00.000-04:00

7.21.10 – Wanting some calm

2010-07-21T22:55:00.000-04:00

I keep thinking things will let up and go back to normal. I’m still waiting.

7.20.10

2010-07-20T23:25:00.000-04:00

7.19.10 – Seeing more clearly

2010-07-19T23:23:00.000-04:00

Things are beginning to ease up and I’m seeing more clearly. Now if I can just sweep aside all these bad memories – and the anger associated with them – that have been dredged up by recent events.

7.18.10 – Remembrance

2010-07-18T23:56:00.003-04:00

My mother passed away two weeks ago. She was 76, so she lived a long, if not so happy a life. I hadn’t originally planned on blogging about this, but as this year-long project has become far more personal than I thought it would, it seemed to make sense to talk about this. I also received news this morning that my best friend's mother (she and I were both late-life children) had also passed away. It was a reminder that even though I keep thinking I'm okay, I'm really not, and have been restless and in a somewhat distracted state these two weeks. Routine has been my friend and comfort, but can't completely ease things.

My mother and I hadn’t spoken in many years, which I’m sure most people won’t understand. I was under no illusions that we would ever be close again. It would have taken lobotomies for probably both of us for that to have happened. I felt guilty about this rift for a long time, and uncomfortable talking to people about it. In my mid-thirties I finally came to an uneasy peace with it, accepting that there was nothing I could do about the situation without either losing my mind or becoming someone I wasn’t.

The last non-profit job I had was very harrowing for me. It wasn’t just that the executive director created a toxic working environment, there was something else very intense and awful between us, which made my time there excruciatingly painful, yet I couldn’t leave for the longest time. It took my therapist to point out that the working relationship was similar to my relationship with my mother. As their personalities were so pole-to-pole opposite I didn’t see it myself, but it was true. Both my boss and my mother wanted me to be sometone else. They both wanted me to be docile (which I’m not) and accept what they said without challenge (as if), and to adore them despite the dysfunctional situation. In both relationships I had tried my best to please, but it didn’t matter whether I got the grant for work or didn’t or got an A or a D in school, which made me crazy at times and made both situations impossible. My boss hoped he’d eventually beat down my will and create the mindless, soulless, employee he wanted. My mother hoped the demon she thought was inside me that caused me to not behave as she wanted me to or want the things she wanted me to have would eventually be exorcised. I still have my will and the demon.

I’ve been listening over and over again to the beginning and ending of Arpan, a piece Ravi Shankar wrote for George Harrison and that was performed at his memorial concert. The word Arpan means offering, and what I’ve gathered much of the chorus talks of remembering that great soul and saluting it with love and respect. Maybe that’s what I need to do and hear right now.

I do hope my mother is at peace and in a better place. Regardless of everything, she deserves that.

Here's a link to the beginning and ending of Arpan: http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xe2tft_arpan_music

7.17.10 – Limbo

2010-07-17T23:36:00.000-04:00

Some of the brief flashes of my childhood that I remember involve music. I always needed to listen over and over again to certain records, especially before I could fall asleep. I still listen over and over to certain songs, or even passages in songs, yet don’t know why. Sometimes it feels like a safety blanket, somehow lulling me back to myself. Lately I feel it’s that I’m in a weird limbo state and I need to get out.

7.16.10

2010-07-16T21:46:00.000-04:00

7.15.10 – Life would be perfect if…

2010-07-15T23:43:00.001-04:00

I’ve been reading Meghan Daum’s book, Life Would be Perfect if I Lived in That House. It’s about, in a rare honest way, her pursuit of the perfect life through the perfect house/apartment. I think most people, especially women, can relate to this. I know I used to think that if only I lost 20 pounds or got that dress or or that degree or that watch or could afford that trip or could move to New York or London, it would all be okay. Of course it never was.

She used the phrase “chronic lostness” about her first trip to Los Angeles, but somehow that seems to describe my own life at times, daydreaming about moving to one part of the country or another, thinking everything would be perfect if, yet not going anywhere.

7.14.10 – Blooms

2010-07-14T23:51:00.001-04:00

7.13.10 – Jackhammer mornings

2010-07-13T23:23:00.000-04:00

This is the sound I hear, not just at my apartment, but also from all over the city and its surroundings. Some of the road work is being paid for by the government to get people back to work, some other areas I think have more to do with the Midwest’s two seasons (winter and construction). Still, I can’t help but wonder if it is a reminder to me, as I’m woken up by it every morning now, that I have things to do in my life and that time will not wait for me.

7.12.10 – Letting some light in

2010-07-12T22:41:00.000-04:00

It’s always been my tendency to prepare myself for the worst knowing it will eventually happen anyway. I know that kind of mindset just ensures the worst does happen. Now if I can just follow the logic that if I believe just as strongly that good things will happen, maybe they will.

7.11.10 – Wanting it to all be better

2010-07-11T23:04:00.000-04:00

Things that have taken place recently made me more aware of how things went wrong so long ago, and that they haven't be right for a long time.

7.10.10 – Showing Grief

2010-07-10T23:02:00.000-04:00

Recently a fellow blogger commented about how most people expect there to be a time limit to grief. They also expect a certain amount of showiness.

In this country we’ve been trained by daytime television and the movies as to how grief should look. We’re supposed to withdraw, but not completely, as the grief should be easily seen by all. We have to be really demonstrative with our grief, which then causes it to dissipate quickly. This may sound silly, but if someone behaves outside this norm, they are assumed to have something wrong with them.

Years ago at a previous job, a faculty member was telling me about how his wife used to work at a particular arts organization. He said her “last straw” was when the executive director’s father passed away and she offered her condolences, which he brushed aside, saying, “he was old.” I found the story so perplexing I couldn’t even comment at the time. Regardless of that executive director being a jackass, which many have said he was, it’s impossible to know what someone is going through and how affected they may be at such a loss, affected in a way they can’t express to others.

Not everyone wants to share their feelings (good or bad) with the world around them, especially with co-workers who they don’t really know. We’re all individuals and experience things differently and should be allowed to show or not show our grief (or any other feelings for that matter) any way we please without judgment.

7.9.10 – Trying to let go

2010-07-09T23:27:00.000-04:00

My mind has managed to do away with the few good times I had as a child with my family. Now if I can just let go of all the bad times I do still remember...

7.8.10 – Pulling myself together

2010-07-08T21:34:00.000-04:00

Sometimes you just have to embrace the routines of life in order to get through things.